And baby makes 3?

Dawn and I have talked a lot recently regarding having a child. We're at that point in our lives where I think we need more, we've got our house, her job is pretty stable, at the moment mine isn't, but I should know something about that soon, and although we're not finished with school completely, our biological clocks are ticking, and in addition, this whole Cancer thing has really made me wake up.

I am feeling very numb and disappointed to a degree. I know this sound selfish and sloth, I know it sounds odd and confusing and almost contradictorary, but I am having issues with her being the carrier. It isn't her DNA, although we do joke frequently about her and her mother not having prenatal care when she was pregnant with Dawn, it is just the choice to do it that gets my goose.

We started looking at donors and thinking about ttc in 2001, we finally tried in 2004 and I had a chemical pregnancy-boy do I hate that term. That freaked me out and I didn't want to try again, the disappointment was too much, I didn't want to go through it again. Now in 2006, we are getting older, and we kept saying the time wasn't right, but is there ever a right time? Other than shelter and a job that can pay the bills and let you live comfortably, what more do you need? When I am on my death bed, I want to recall memories with my loved ones, as cliche as it sounds, it's true, I don't want to recall all my accomplishments and accolades without people in them. I can't take my degrees with me when I die, but I could take my memories.

For so long now, it's I that would carry, I would use my egg and uterus to bring our child into this world. She had mentioned carrying but we didn't think it an option, hell I even questioned how serious she was about it, apparently she is serious and this is our option. I know it's sad and I am probably being pissy potty pants, but when you've planned on doing something for so long and now you can't it really bites.

I truly think infertility is worse than Cancer, at least for me, it is. Some Cancer patients would say oh no, you have to worry about yourself first, but although that is true, the way I look at it I am thinking of future me.

I am scared that I would love the baby less if it wasn't biologically mine, and I am also ashamed at the same time to admit that, how shallow can I be? I truly believe that genetics and DNA don't make up families, love does, but then why do I still feel this way? Is it natural or just selfish? I know I would nest as if I were carrying, I am already starting to envision the 4th bedroom as a nursery and thinking about the leave time and policies her company offers.

How would the roles in our relationship also change? As much as I hate labels, Dawn is the more butch one and I am the femme. I would need to do the household chores that she couldn't, running to the dump, cutting the grass, etc., I can handle that, however, I don't know if I could handle her running around in lavender and pink. Or some fu-fu pregnancy shit that is out there. I know this is cold, these thoughts are cold and obnixous, but I still have then and have to get them out, so thanks for listening.