Monday, March 13, 2006

No title necessary

I am having a better day today than I was before, actually it's been like 5 days straight that I haven't felt terrible. I have actually went places, and not just to the ever-ongoing doctor's appointments. I have one tomorrow in Georgetown to see the specialist, then Wednesday I have two, OBGYN and to get more iron, blood, and procrit and fluids. Wednesday will be busy, in addition to the two doctors appointments, I have another appt with the Roomstore to come out and look at our table in the formal LR.

Dawn is in the garage playing and having a ball. I've been online for the past two hours trying to get stuff done. We went and got our taxes done tonight, that wasn't painful at all, it was $145.00 mind you, but it wasn't painful. We are getting back twice as much as I thought we were, which is LOVELY!

I am having a lot of mixed emotions lately about everything that is going on with me and my life and how my life will change after surgery and how it will affect US. Dawn has been great through this whole process, I am so lucky and thankful to have her by my side. She truly is the definition of love. I heart her so.

My sister has been an off and on pain in the ass, telling me I am negative, to then telling me I am dealing with it well, how the hell does she know? I know she means well but it irks me to no end sometimes. My other sister is too high to worry about anything, she can't come off the meds or weed long enough to see the sunlight, however, she stated she will be there when I get operated on, then there are the nieces. I have to say I am really disappointed in them. I have given so much of my life to them, from when they were very small even until now. If any of them call me and need something I don't hesitate to drop what I am doing and help them. I've given them large amounts of money, helped them with their school work, went on field trips with them, hell I even let Shawna live with us. If they were in this situation I would check on them often, make an effort to spend more time with them, as if I don't already do that enough. Dawn has been good, she really has, she was very compassionate when she found out. Shawna didn't really say much other than that she was sorry and that Debbie told her. Haley said OMG. Since then I've seen and heard from Haley once and that was on the same day. Shawna doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, i.e. Verizon or take her to get her insurance renewed, of which I haven't done either. Dawn comes by occassionally and calls me to see how I am doing. These people are in our will, which has led me to think otherwise too. Freida always says Man will disappoint you time and time again, God won't. I truly believe that. She also said her pastor said, look at your life and the people that surround it in terms of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. I feel like I add and they subtract for the most part. I am not saying that everything has to be about me, I am not trying to have a pity party with a large group of 1 mind you, but I am saying, if you were in this position, how would you want to be treated? I now, know, how it feels to be the patient and caregiver. I don't know which I prefer really, I guess the patient, I don't want to see anyone go through this, it sucks.

Surgery is March 27th, I am not scared of surgery, however, I am scared of recovery, or shall I say ancy. I fear the catherter, that thing is no joke. I don't want anyone touching my who-ha to do that. I hope I will heal very well and come home early, that would be nice. I am confident that surgery will go fine and I will be okay, but there is a little part of me that feels this could be it, that I will go to sleep and never wake up. It's very odd really, I don't know why I feel that way. I wonder if this would be harder to deal with if I didn't have Dawn. I don't want to do anything to hurt her.

I've realized that I really need to live life instead of thinking about living life. I am not so interested in pursuing a demanding and challenging career or going to Physicians Assistant school, granted that my experience now as a patient might make it more worth it, I just feel that my life has a mark on it now, that even though I will be cured from cancer now, it might come back, and I feel because of this, that my years are limited, and if not, definitely shortened. I want to go on a vacation with Dawn to NYC that we've been talking about for years, I want to buy something outrageous without over analyzing everything all the time, I want to write a book about this experience so that it might help someone else, I want to get involved in fund raising and awareness for this dreaded disease. I just want to live, because lately I feel like we haven't been very much with getting ready for the house and the move it seemed like we put everything on hold to accomplish that, well now we're here, what next? I don't want to "waste" time on a college degree, when I could be spending it living. If you had a life threatening disease, what would you want to do?

Children: I don't know how I feel about these anymore and whether or not we want or need one really. Dawn still does, I don't know, I think that I could be happy with just the two of us, she thinks it would be neat to have a child, if you have one you have to have two, so I don't really know about this, and if I did have one why would I want to bring them into this world with a possible genetic mutation? All this weighs on my mind, not heavily but it's there. Then if I have to go through chemo, that's another consideration, and blah blah blah.

It's time to get some work done for now.........

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