Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas Dinner, tidyings of comfort, but not joy?

Oh boy, where do I begin? well let me tell you, we were expecting about 32 people. We had about 35-40 here. It was rough, tense and nerve racking with the sounds of 13 year old boys playing with younger boys and dragging them on the upgraded hardwood floor we paid for in the foyer, or how about the lingering garage door, always ajar? I asked 5 people to close the door, and they didn't, one person even walked by and looked at it open and didn't do anything. I was really irritated and screeked out, can someone close the GD door? They all just stopped and looked at me, I did not care. I didn't want everyone here at one time, Dawn is oblivious to all of this, as usual.
I have several reasons for ill regard towards her family and up until this year, I never had a reason to not like them. I have always went out of my way to do things for them, for example, I always send all the nieces and nephews baskets of goodies, all like 13-15 of them for Easter, Halloween, Christmas, and Valentines Day. I even put together goodies during back to school time and send it to them, to the point where even one of them asked if they could give us one of the children's school list for that year, talk about being ungrateful.
I don not like the Christmas season because of how commerical it has become, it's not about that, if we got back to what the true meaning of it was, regardless of the religion you practice, we would not have all this credit card debt as consumers into the next year, okay that's my rant. I will stop there, not like I am one to talk either, I have a ton of cc debt, we didn't have any until we moved into this house.
Dawn and I have been having a rocky time in our relationship, it's not her, it's me. I am a little crazy, depressed and psychiotic I think...just a bit. I get easily irritated with her and her empathy towards planning stuff, etc., basically, we have a great sex life, except I always initiate, we don't have a terrible financial life and I do everything besides take the trash to the dump, the maintenance on the vehicles and hanging stuff around the house, like pictures, blinds etc.
I do the laundry, grocery shopping, coupon clipping, house shopping, decorating for the holidays, buying the gifts for the holidays, baking for the holidays, planning all the holidays, trips, outtings, financial planning, taxes, etc., I am sick of doing everything. If I wanted to do everything wouldn't I be by myself? Now I realize that some are better than others at these sorts of things, however, I do feel that there can be a ying and a yang, and lately our ying is yanged!

Why do I have to do everything? It's annoying, it's time consuming. I really have felt that I have learned a lot from having cancer. Not to take life for granted, to realize that the best things in life are truly those that cannot be bought with money, even as cliche as that may sound, and that you really need to evaluate what you want to do and how you want to spend your life, everyday for the rest of it. Nothing is guaranteed. I've decided that death and illness happen to make us realize how important life is. I now know how it feels to be a caregiver, survivor, patient and motherless daughter from this disease. I know that I love Dawn, but I don't know if I am in love with Dawn, however, with that said, is it possible to stay in love with someone over time? I don't think it is, I think you fall in to it and then it becomes a maintenance cycle after that, I don't think it's a continuum. I don't think there is anyone person for anyone. I feel that a person can have multiple mates at any given time in their life. People change over time with growth, so do their wants, needs and expectations. I feel I've had several "soul mates", both male and female in my life over time. I don't know what will come of the two of us, but I am willing, at this time to do something about it or at least try to for now.


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