CaNcEr
I can't get the fucking shit out of my head. Today I am sore, sore like I've been whipped with belts in my calves, I feel like I've been standing on my tippy toes for 9 hours straight, even though I didn't need to. My hips and legs ache, I know it's a side affect from the chemo, I have strong legs usually, and even get on the treadmill from time to time, now this is another story.
Dawn is downstairs putting together the gym weight lifting he-man iron machine that we got what seems like 12 weeks ago, but is really 2 or 3. There is a stench in the air, a stench of Cancer, because, neither, she, nor I, can get it off our heads.
I know I am so lucky to be stage II, everyone keeps telling me, doctor wise that I have a 75% survival rate for the next 5 years, 75% is better than 74% but I would sure as hell like a 100% if you catch my drift.
This is not a good thing for someone like me, who analyzes everything, I mean every FUCKING thing, to have, they can tell me this and they can tell me that, but I am a little different from most, because mine is genetic. I have HNPCC, I go next week for genetic testing, as I had to reschedule the appt this week due to the chemo affect. This is my guestion that no one can answer, three oncologists and a top rated surgeon-What are my odds here? You're different they say, I had a total colectomy because I didn't want a chance of reoccurance, which could still happen, and is everly on my mind, if it comes back it could come back in the rectum 5-10% chance, however with HNPCC, I have to watch out for my endometrium, my ovaries, my bladder, my liver, my lungs and brain, I have a 60% chance of developing endometrium cancer, which means I should succumb to an elective hysterectomy. I am 29 that's all I have to say. WTF? I mean I know I am older than some people that get diagnosed, but I do not want to go into menopause, I don't want to be put on synthetic hormones that will increase my odds for other types of cancer. Then chemo-to do or not to do? With the side affects I say fuck no, but hell, what if, in three years it comes back? Or even a year? I could have done chemo, what if that would have helped? I would forever feel cheated, guilty, and like a pussy for not going through it all. It's 6 in one, half a dozen in the other. I fucking hate it.
Today my throat is sore too, I wonder if I picked up a bug at Pride yesterday, shit with the lowered immunity and all that chemo does provide as a side dish, I am sure I did, I tried to make sure I didn't touch the escalator rail when using Metro, to wash my hands and use papertowels to open the doors of the restrooms, etc.,
Why do I have to worry about job security, a life insurance policy, health insurance coverage, and infertility, menopause, chemo and cancer all at one time? Not to mention, my wonderful partner, Dawn, she is wonderful, however, she doesn't necessarily know what I am going through sometimes.
Shit, do I?
AM I jumping the gun? I feel like my mortality has taken a strike and I need to know when the time is up? Is this normal, are any of you out there feeling like that? Can someone please mute the thoughts in my head, they're getting on my nerves. This is my question to all of them, if this is genetic, how can I beat my genes? How will chemo help, if it indeed will-that one remains unsolved.
I am starting to become into the selfish phase of being a cancer patient-in questioning, why me, why now? What about all the crack whores who abuse their bodies? Why not them, then I realize, that one life isn't greater than another, I am not better than them, and vice versa, sure they might have better cell structure and not a genetic mutation like I do, but it doesn't mean they should die or suffer before I. Christ, I just don't know.
Dawn is downstairs putting together the gym weight lifting he-man iron machine that we got what seems like 12 weeks ago, but is really 2 or 3. There is a stench in the air, a stench of Cancer, because, neither, she, nor I, can get it off our heads.
I know I am so lucky to be stage II, everyone keeps telling me, doctor wise that I have a 75% survival rate for the next 5 years, 75% is better than 74% but I would sure as hell like a 100% if you catch my drift.
This is not a good thing for someone like me, who analyzes everything, I mean every FUCKING thing, to have, they can tell me this and they can tell me that, but I am a little different from most, because mine is genetic. I have HNPCC, I go next week for genetic testing, as I had to reschedule the appt this week due to the chemo affect. This is my guestion that no one can answer, three oncologists and a top rated surgeon-What are my odds here? You're different they say, I had a total colectomy because I didn't want a chance of reoccurance, which could still happen, and is everly on my mind, if it comes back it could come back in the rectum 5-10% chance, however with HNPCC, I have to watch out for my endometrium, my ovaries, my bladder, my liver, my lungs and brain, I have a 60% chance of developing endometrium cancer, which means I should succumb to an elective hysterectomy. I am 29 that's all I have to say. WTF? I mean I know I am older than some people that get diagnosed, but I do not want to go into menopause, I don't want to be put on synthetic hormones that will increase my odds for other types of cancer. Then chemo-to do or not to do? With the side affects I say fuck no, but hell, what if, in three years it comes back? Or even a year? I could have done chemo, what if that would have helped? I would forever feel cheated, guilty, and like a pussy for not going through it all. It's 6 in one, half a dozen in the other. I fucking hate it.
Today my throat is sore too, I wonder if I picked up a bug at Pride yesterday, shit with the lowered immunity and all that chemo does provide as a side dish, I am sure I did, I tried to make sure I didn't touch the escalator rail when using Metro, to wash my hands and use papertowels to open the doors of the restrooms, etc.,
Why do I have to worry about job security, a life insurance policy, health insurance coverage, and infertility, menopause, chemo and cancer all at one time? Not to mention, my wonderful partner, Dawn, she is wonderful, however, she doesn't necessarily know what I am going through sometimes.
Shit, do I?
AM I jumping the gun? I feel like my mortality has taken a strike and I need to know when the time is up? Is this normal, are any of you out there feeling like that? Can someone please mute the thoughts in my head, they're getting on my nerves. This is my question to all of them, if this is genetic, how can I beat my genes? How will chemo help, if it indeed will-that one remains unsolved.
I am starting to become into the selfish phase of being a cancer patient-in questioning, why me, why now? What about all the crack whores who abuse their bodies? Why not them, then I realize, that one life isn't greater than another, I am not better than them, and vice versa, sure they might have better cell structure and not a genetic mutation like I do, but it doesn't mean they should die or suffer before I. Christ, I just don't know.
posted by Christy at 4:19 PM
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