Mind Racers

That's what happens to me this late at night, my mind does the what if's and should of, could of, would'ves, which sucks.

Tomorrow, aka today, I am supposed to start back to work. I am going to meet with my boss to discuss my options, etc., in the am, I want to return to work, but I am a little anxious of how people will respond to me being back, etc.

There is something up with blogger because I can't post my fucking pics, not even in html code, Rich-what's up with that?

I was thinking today about Cancer and how it's affected my life overall.
These are my declarations:

• Cancer has made me realize even more how precious life is, as if I needed a fucking reminder, c'mon my mom died of this shit, and my father has had it 5 times already.
• At first, I didn't want to see my 30th bday come, I feared the big 3-0, now I welcome it, and hopefully at least 5 more after it.
• I worry constantly about dying and leaving Dawn with debt.
• It's made me realize even more that genetics don't make up a family-it took me a while to get over the fact that I will be infertile from chemo, and not only that, this is an autosominal dominant gene, do I really want to play odds in passing it on? Fuck no, I am not giving it that much credit.
• It's brought out the risk-taker in me, this year I want to go on a hot air balloon ride, I want to go jet skiing-of course I have to wait until after chemo because it lowers my immunity and the water is very dirty, I want to go parachuting, I've always wanted to learn how to sail and possibly get my pilot's license for cessnas, I want to be a parent-and not just to my 71 year old father, or dog, or niece, I want to travel to NYC with Dawn, and to London finally.
• It's made me realize who my true friends really are and how people treat you differently.
• It's made me hate the fucking response when people say: "You could walk out here tomorrow and get hit by a bus, nothings guaranteed", that's true, but c'mon, that's an infinite statement, cancer is finite in my life, and is a life threatening disease, trust me perspectives change when that picture comes in!
• It's made me care even less about my hair, and more about my ovaries, it used to be vice versa.
• It's made me realize even more that when the dead are dead, they're dead. The living truly do keep living.

Well that's all I have time for tonight, I do have to get to Neverland eventually and it won't happen if I keep sitting here entertaining you guys with my random thoughts of spacely sprockets and calvinly cobbs. Goodnight!