$$$$$

It's one thing I wish the world did not revolve around......people say that money can't buy you happiness, but it can sure buy a lot of fucking things that can make you happy can't it? Money would make me happy because I could pay off our credit card debt and our house and not have to worry about CANCER or BIOLOGICAL clocks TICKING.

So far, I have paid down our cc debt by 5K. Dawn got a new job, which is the awesomo 5000, however, I am still trying to get a raise from my boss, who is really a nice but, but is not the best when it comes to being a manager.

That's it for now......ugh......

ID Consent Donor 2703 is the wave of the future

So we've decided that is the way to go, no wavering in the wind, no contemplating second base, the decision is final, we're not going to worry about the known donor deal, because all in all, we should have thought through it better, and really made a better decision overall before we consulted him. I apologize for even asking him to consider the option.

Sperm~~~~~~~~O not a lesbian's best friend or is it?

I never thought as a lesbian I would think so much about sperm. Two days ago, we purchased two vials of IUI and IVF sperm for a grand fee of $635.00 from Fairfax Cryobank from donor 2703. See said picture to the right. Isn't he adorable? big ears and rubber ducky and all? Yes I think he is now that I look at this picture. He got 1380 on his SATs afterall. Anyway, as if we don't have the following factors to complicate things more:

• we're an interracial couple
• Dawn's diabetes
• my previous chemotherapy
• my colon cancer genetic mutation
• my previous surgery
• my previous cancer history
• my current cancer risk and need for a hysterectomy because of the cancer gene
• we're lesbians
• our age
• Dawn's job-she works in a warehouse and does heavy lifting and in production installing cables and what nots
• cost of getting pregnant her insurance will not cover for same sex couples, only if she is with a male partner
• our known donor, we'll call him T for now, we asked him some months ago, he never gave us an answer, and today he tells us yes.

He says yes, after I've already ordered whitey. T is black, he already has two children, if we went with T, we would not need to come out of 20K out of pocket right off the bat automatically, we would just try with my eggs and do cycles of IUI and utilize my insurance benefits and hope that it covers that, I have 10K of coverage. We risk the chances of never getting pregnant, chemo has had to of affected my eggs/ovaries. Also, with him, the chances do not increase, because it would not be fresh, we'd have to get his stuff frozen, and then it would involve attorney's and how much we would pay him. I have already seen his ex wife in public and his children and I feel extremely weird and odd around them, like I am a home wreaker or something, I know that sounds odd, but that's how I feel.

I asked Dawn tonight why she wanted to have a child, she told me because she wanted to see "us" in it. I could not anwser her, other than to have someone to leave our house and assets to and that's not a reason to have a child. Part of me feels that I could be perfectly happy being the Aunt my whole life, I enjoy getting Jordan and spending time with her and being a major part of Haley, Dawn and Shawna's lives, everyone tells me that I would make a great mother, but I don't know if motherhood is for me really. I don't want to be 50 and wishing I would have had a child is all. Where's that instruction booklet to life when you need it?

If stress is a killer, how come I am not dead yet? Same soup different bowl

Ugh, I need a vacation, from everyone, just to get away....literally. I have had a rough year so far. Classes started, I missed one whole week, my father had a minor heart procedure, his car dies, heater goes up for a day, has to stay with me for a night, my sister and I got him a new car from my other sister, i took off a half day from work today to catch up on school and to get his car changed over for him, I did my nieces taxes with her, our taxes got hosed by the tax lady, of which, I caught the error, I am going to call the IRS to double check on that one. I am not a happy camper. I ordered sperm yesterday from the cryobank and then felt like I was going to throw up afterwards. It was an odd feeling. 635 dollars later, we have some swimmers on ice. 2 vials of an ID consent donor with an SAT score of 1380 and a high school gpa of 3.91 and a college gpa of 3.40 so he can't be too dumb. We're going to use Dawn's eggs, and my uterus, hopefully if all goes well. I go to the doc today to talk about more or less chemo :-), the possibility of whatever this bloodly phelgm is and getting the fucking mediport taken out, before september of this year, because heparin and babies don't mix. I am down to about 174. I started back on the weight loss plan. Dawn has gained about 6 pounds of the 30 she's lost.

I am so stressed about everything. I am sick of being everyone's back bone. I really am. It's so deafing and draining.ugh.......well ta ta for now, I am off to the doctors and to get my father to help him out, same soup different bowl!

Valentines Day, 30, Wicked and More, oh my!

Valentines Day was nice, my sweetie got me those, which was a very pleasant surprise. I went to work that morning and found those, along with season 1 and 2 of crank yankers on my desk, a nice cheesecake, and a card with 50 bucks in it for me.

The weekend came quickly, as usual I am severly busy, but I guess that's better than sitting around with my thumb up my ass?

Friday night she threw me a surprise birthday party for my 30th birthday, let's just say I made out like a champ with regards to all the money and cards I got. I was able to get myself some new things-clothes wise, without having to worry about feeling quilty about buying it afterwards, if I had spent our money to do so, especially when I am trying desperately to get us out of some of the debt we are in, mind you now, I have paid of 2500 worth of debt in January, so I'll give myself some kudos for that one! :-) go me!

Saturday we went to see Wicked, it was fabulous. I would go see it again, however, I would get better seats and I would go to an earlier show, just because with finishing up chemotherapy, taking 3 classes, working full time, and taking care of my father too, it's a lot and it's starting to take it's toll. I was really irked with mini about a few things. I really wonder if she really appreciates all the things we do for her. Okay I will stop the bitching here, and get off so I can mark some of the 67 items on my to-do list off. God love the queen and all that good stuff. Amanda if you're reading I hope you feel better, and Rich-sorry I missed our birthday, and I am sending you a happy belated now!

Dear God, it's me Weight Watchers Again & NY Resolutions

I am starting back on ww, at 182.0 lbs there is no excuse for me. I weigh too much, I would like to lose 52 pounds and get down to 130. I am not sure what I would look like at 130, Mary Kate, Ashley, Nicole Richie? I dunno, but it's worth getting this weight off for several reasons, please review:

1. Decreases my risk of cancer coming back
2. I can wear ALL the clothes in my closet and not just those in the fat section
3. I will be healthier
4. Save money on eating out and decrease my exposure to smoke (sorry smokers, no offense)
5. The sex will be better
6. I will be able to get out of my own way.

So far I am doing well, I only have been on plan for two days and I am managing, I am trying to curb my hunger, which is customary for switching back to weight watchers and getting off caffeniene.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

1. Pay off a lot of debt, and when I say a lot I mean double digit debt above 20K-long story on that one. This will be done by the end of the year, or I will cut my hands off so I cannot use my credit cards anymore.
2. Lose weight-see I am accomplishing NY Resolutions while at the same time multi-tasking.
3. Refinance our house
4. Finish Associates Degree, continuing with Bachelors, already started at UMUC, it is a long heart wrenching process because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
5. Get pregnant, find a donor, and figure out whose eggs we're using.
6. Solve world hunger, create peace and reinstate the garbage pale kid stickers that were so hot in the 90's.
7. That's it.

I decided that world hunger and peace could wait for last because it's going to take a while to solve those and I have to accomplish my own goals and solutions to my problems before I can solve everyone elses.

Migraines, I've had one everyday this year, and one on the last day of the year, will they ever go away? I'd guess the chance of that is the chance that a frog has wings, you know, so he won't bump his ass everytime he hops.

Message from the Known Donor and CEA Levels

He stated he did not forget about us and that he just wanted to let us know that, that he was still thinking about it and that he had talked with his ex wife and was going to talk with his 12 year old daughter this weekend coming up I guess. I don't think he will say yes. If he did that would be nice, but it's also filled with hurdles, like timing and ovulation, lawyers and whether or not to do home inseminations which would be more convenient, but maybe not as productive. If I were to go to the doc's it would cost 350 per insem, but we would be able to use fresh sperm and that would pose the obstacle of getting it to the doc's fast enough so the swimmers don't die, and of course getting him, which would be during the daytime and conflict with his schedule at work which we do not want to compromise. What to do, what to do? Sometimes I wish it would be easier, sometimes I wish we were the same color so donor selection wouldn't be such a thought process, sometimes I wish we were younger, shit sometimes I wish I were a man so I could get her pregnant. Dawn pregnant would be a sight now.

So yesterday I went to the doc's, my onocologist, who still isn't worried about the weight gain from the chemo, I am, now at 181.5, my highest in my entire life. He wants me to do two more cycles of chemo. I do not, perhaps I will do faux chemo, where he thinks I am doing it, but I am not. I asked him about my port, I can get that removed 6 months after my chemo stops, which really wouldn't be if I were to get pregnant in between that time. Then he stated I would do scans every six months which elated me because I was worried they were going to settle for yearly. Then he told me that my CEA level was normal, absolutely 0! It's never been zero, always like 2.5 or 3, so something is working huh? I am really excited about that. I hope it stays at bay, now if I can just get this weight off. He also asked me when I was going to have the hysterectomy because of the mutation.

If we were to try to have a child, amidst the problems we are having off and on, I would need to lose about 40 or so pounds, be out of surgery at least a year, that happens at the end of March, and be chemo free for three months, so even if he were to say yes, we would not start trying for baby until June of 2007 probably. I figure if I start in January I could probably lose 40 pounds by June of next year, that would get me ready for baby. I don't think my body can tolerate a lot of weight, I feel like I am in my own way now, I have a mini double chin and my boobs are a DD now. I hate that, they never seem to go away. I would also need to thoughtfully consider using my own eggs again, for awhile I'd grown comfortable not worrying about being genetically attached to the child, but now I am worried about being genetically attached to the child, what if chemo did something to my eggs? What if I pass on this mutation, with a 50% chance of doing so, I don't want to spread this gene down the family tree more than it already has been. Needless to say we and I have lots to consider for the upcoming year.

Ta ta for now.