Medicating my Medication..........

I've decided the Paxil isn't working, I've not noticed a change, I still dread going into work. I still get upset stomaches, can't sleep at night, and dread Sunday evenings. The little timesheet fraud turned into a "misunderstanding", gotta love that. I've decided to stop taking it, I will tell the doctor things are going well, or maybe I won't. I can't have an orgasm, and further more I don't want to, which is weird for me/us. We usually at least try to do these things twice a week.

I am generally overwhelmed with the upcoming move too, not that Dawn isn't trying to help, she is, she is trying to get everything out of storage the next two days, without my asking, so that we can get our $143.00 back, which every little bit helps at this point, since I inevitably await the inevitable. She is taking two classes this semester, and doesn't learn as fast as I do, or write and one is sociology, so it takes her longer and I understand that, so I am trying to be patient, but the bulk to the nitty gritty stuff falls on me (i.e:

call the courthouse, find out the new tax rate for the new house and contact lender
contact lender and lock in rates for new loan product and chose new loan product
contact insurance agent and chose product
make sure appraisal gets faxed from lender to agent for homeowners policy
check contract regarding transfer and recordation taxes
contact utilities and transfer: Verizon, GMP, Gas, Water, SMECO
contact new owner, inform him of vacating date, arrange walk-through
yadda yadda, the list goes on, you get the just...

I am overwhelmed.

Then on top of it, stuff at work with the changeover of my direct position, and the new girl and then getting ready to go on leave for the big move and then the inevitable layout and job search which should be going on now but I don't have FUCKING time, and then school, and then my dad, and my niece and her job problems and then the cell phone problems which consume more of my time, now I just discovered my dog has blood in her eye, WTF? It just goes on and on, you get the just.

So I am just trying to get my point across here. Well I better get off here so I can start getting some of this shiat done!

I ran across an old poem I wrote on 7/6/02 I was feeling philo-something because look at this, but I like it!

Snowflake, powder, cracker, honkey, these are the words that echo within my ears, why do you call me out of name, using my skin tone to blame? Carpet muncher, dyke, fur digger, butch, queer, bitch these words make my skin itch. Why do you label me with these phrases, collaborated by ignorance, stupidity and bliss, I thought this was a world where we could all exist. Yet, we still live in fear, so where do we go……go…..from here….? W e are technologically advanced to put a man on the moon, yet we haven’t perfected our own personal individualized tunes? Igonorance breeds fear, stop preaching to me with deaf ears and numb lips……….reach into your self, soul, and spirit, tell me why, where, and with what you feel it? Taught it at birth, learned it by sight, we have become strangers with fright, ……….the bottomline, when it comes down to it, why can’t I just be me? After all……. I …am..FREE.

For everything else......there's teaching cunninglingus

Yes, somethings may require mastercard or visa, but for everything else, there's cunninglingus. That's what I am going to do, should the next contract fall through and unemployment strike me. I am going to hire Hug-n-Kiss to be my coordinator and we shall schedule sessions in the big CREME (no pun intended) basement and I will teach the ART of cunninglingus.

Paxil CR...Anyone?

I am trying to reach anybody....anybody on the PAXIL CR team? That's the new side dish to my prescribed entree this week. I went to the primary doc today, if things don't get better in two weeks, I am going to be on STD soon. I am taking like 10 freakin pills a day, I mean really, c'mon now. I am 28, whatever!

She told me to take a week off, I told her I couldn't because of "work", I had to get back today because I had to go on base, and drop off certificates, I had a classified package to prepare, FedEx labels to do, even though I gave Miss Dance Party USA with a love bite on her neck, I tries to hide mines at least, and of course Colt Sever and Tom Selleck needed to get into the back offices. Then timecop needed to know whether or not I let Tom Selleck into one of the back offices, when he has a damn key, why does it matter, is he the lock door cop now?

I am feeling a little less stressed today.

Work sucks.............and I need a LARGE hose.....

Okay, so it really does suck...my blood pressure is up, today I was near tears and that isn't me. I have come to hate my job.......really. Not all of my job, just the part that deals with the OH function, with Tom Seleck look alike and Colt Sever-ex seal, it really pisses me off how rumblestils-can'tspellthisshit-generalmanagerofdivision won't take initiative and do anything either, or how about Mister I am in Happy Retirement Hurricane Central Now and no one can touch me and I don't ever have to commute again? How about having some balls instead of itching them and doing something about something for a change? I guess he served his country and his time and commuted enough and doesn't give a ratz ass about this or his people enough to even inform his customer of the low or the high of what's up or not? Not to forget now the timecop of the office, who asked me how I was doing on this fine day, and I said well any day above ground is better than one below it and he just looked at me and said uh well yeah.

I am sick of putting forth the effort, the excess hours, lying on my timesheet because "it won't work or it will mess me up"-how the fuck does that happen you have an MBA? I don't even have an AA and I can do the math even with a D in bra size! Not being able to get away from the office, being the metrosexual Jill and Jack of all trades when I am just the FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL of the office. Christy, penny henny the ceiling's failing, we're out of nestea lemon, we're out of color toner, we need to get into Barbara's old office when you get a chance-here's a thought, call Barbara and ask her, or how come, Barbara left, then it was Freida's office, but you refer to it as Barbara's office and not Freida's office huh Tom Seleck look-a-like? Oh yes, Tom Seleck stated you could order me Sony 90-minute casette tapes for dictation, okay, well CE doesn't have Sony tapes, are Maxwell okay? Also, do you want the mini tapes or standard size, Actual Response: Geez, any brand is fine and standard size of course. Well if any brand is fucking fine why did you put down Sony then Miss Dance Party USA? Oh and let's have a CHRISTmas party and have CHRISTY do all the work in preparation for it, she'll buy the turkeys and hams and all the lalalalala and then Tom Seleck will complain that we're not starting until the end of the day, rather than at the beginning of the day near lunch time like everyone else, but he won't come up with recommendations or even send his dish, as requested by Christy to Christy so that we won't have duplicates, instead he will just bring one in, PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET TOM!
I like my PM a lot, I really do, but I had to call HR today, I felt it was my only option to see a little bit of light at the tunnel, little did I know it was the director of human relations, sweet! Hopefully something will happen and I told her I didn't want any retailation of any kind, that looks like a retail word rather than the one I am trying to spell, but anywho.

DP is at the gym, good for her, I took my muscle relaxers as prescribed by my doc, my other antinflammatories for my 4512.00 teeth and I am feeling better than I did today. I had tight muscles in my neck and shoulders and my head was throbbing by the time I left work today. I am listening to bittersweet symphony now.

Being in this position has really made me think about what I want out of life in general, career wise, and in general. I wonder if I were with a different company, under different circumstances, would I feel differently? Point being=I don't ever want a stressful position again in my life, I want the less stress position now, and that's not me, that's what is weird about the whole thing, I am not like that. I am into the high beat and tight strung of stuff, I do better under pressure in school and under deadlines, I think maybe the mismanagement and poor training of this position, in addition to the lack of support from corporate has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. In one hand, given the situation all over again, I could have tried different things, and random thoughts are running through my head now about how to make improvements on things and millions of other To Do's that I still have yet to get to with this position, however, I just didn't have the time, even when F was there, I was doing the primary function of everything. I think in the beginning I didn't let my life get involved, then in the middle I saw life and near the end I wanted live and I think that has been the demise of the position and why I want out. In one way I feel like I have failed, but in another way I feel like they have failed me, since they are upper management with more experience, etc., they didn't analyze the reprocussions of their decision, they were simply looking at the bottomline without thinking...I can just put this behind me as a learning experience and know better next time. I told F from the beginning I thought that it was a bigger bite than we could chew, and the "what-if's" seemed to be a greater risk than anything, but I did get a raise that I was owed for a few years out of it...finally! So all isn't lost...now if we can just win the next contract, so I can continue to utilize the time with the company, finish my degree, grow my retirement, use their benefits to purchase sperm and get pregnant, and of course get my ESOP!

Rambling and such

Okay, so now it's January, today, we're going to DP's holiday party for her work. It should be much fun. The new house is coming along nicely, we've had some things pop up, like one of the contractors writing "Brian is Gay" on one of the beams to tease one of his other co-workers, it was very interesting to say the least when I confronted "Brian" about the writing and then told the builder what was going on, they didn't seem to see my point, nor do anything about it, until I put it into "heterosexual" terms. They still didn't do anything about it. The sliding is up and the paint in going on inside, I can't wait to move. The fucking neighbors are crazy. Mike is getting worse. I think he just got out of the hospital. I feel for people that are clincially crazy, but this kid really needs to go, his issues shouldn't become my subscription. Thursday, I come home and the cops are all in the driveway, he allegedly keyed our neighbors car and her boyfriends truck, then when mini goes to work Friday, she calls me and states that she thinks he keyed her car too and I look closer and discover our purple car has been keyed too. I haven't filed a police report yet. Our neighbor stated that the parents offered to pay for the damage done to her and her boyfriends vehicles, if that isn't an admittance of quilt I don't know what is. I am sick of these people. I am sick of having my visitors worry about their son lurking around when they leave, and how he roams the neighborhood at 5 am in the morning, we're talking about a 20+year old here. They've been nothing but trouble since we moved in, not even a year ago here. The neighbors around here won't unite and do anything though, they don't have enough balls to do any damn thing.
I am still in my position at work, nothing changing their, except when they did solicit my position, I did realize how underpaid I was, by about 20K actually, everyone coming in are asking for that much more than I make at least, my immediate bosses are aware of it but can't do anything since it is 1/2 OH and 1/2 direct labor. I will be glad when I am back into my direct position. I will be glad when we move and are into our new house, and find out whether or not our contract gets renewed so I know whether or not I have a job past April with this company. Gotta go do DP's hair and she says I won't be ready in time....