Bay-be update?!?

The fertility clinic called today, they called DP, not me, since DP will be the one to carry now, and it was her "our" financial coordinator, professional lingo for insurance biller at the doc's office-gotta love it-(the coordinator's initials are PP)I used to do this what seems like ages ago now-anywho-she stated she looked into DP's benefits and told her what they were on the voicemail, this we already know, what we don't know, is about the exceptional clauses, about if she doesn't have a male partner, how she has to have 12 cycles of IUIs paid out of pocket, etc. I shall call PP back tomorrow and see if she can or will talk to me, I am sure DP will have to call her and give her permission and then we will go from there. So this gives me something else to, how do you say, obsess about over the next few days I guess, that and selecting a SPERM donor, finally!?!

Sleep interrupted?

So at about 2:20 this afternoon (you'll notice the time I am posting this) I am awoken from my deep morning slumber of sugar plums dancing in my head to find a text message from my beloved Beowulf of a sister, "I want to apologize about last night".

Now, not only did the titillating vibrating sound, all too familiar wake me up, it was the words that sent me into clear shock, almost like hearing the car needs a new transmission when you took it in to get the headlight changed or something, so with that much shock, I couldn't get back to sleep, so now I am up for good.

This apology to me is a huge surprise for me, considering that I really expected her to do her usual thing, call me later on today and tell ME how much I over-reacted. So part of me wondered, did she find my blog online and realized how much of an ass she was? She couldn't have come to this realization all by her lonlisome, the girls had to have helped her. I also have to add in, how skinny she thought my neck was in the picture I took yesterday. I thought that was fucking hilarious.

My port still hurts, it is still raised and I can't sleep on my right side and it feels like my neck is constantly pulling, I suspect that is from the wires in my neck running to my jugular. I don't care if I have to have so much as a toe nail amputated, I will not go to St. Mary's Hospital for anything anymore.

On another note, DP and I logged into our savings account lastnight with ING Direct, the Orange Savings account, I heart them so, and we took this picture because it made us laugh and put me in a cheerful mood it was about a contest. Ours was a parody on the "Got Milk" ad-I have an orange milk mustache and I even wrote Got ING on the cup, if I win I could get 15K, or 1500 for second prize, it was fun doing it.

Mediport Day

I had my mediport put in today. I wasn't scared, taken back, or anything, just ready to have it done. I walked in, same old, same old, what's your name? Do you know what you're here for? I wanted to say, more importantly, do you know what I am here for, afterall I did come here ( I mean I know why they ask these questions, to make sure you're of sound mind and body, but c'mon, give me a break sometimes). Then they wanted a urine, to make sure I am not pregnant. I told them I was a lesbian, they stated this is just a formality, I stated the fact that I was a lesbian wasn't (I mumbled this under my breath, I didn't want to seem like a smartass right off the bat). I again, understand, why they have to do these tests, but it STILL irks me.

I had to tell 5 people what I was having done today, the nurse that took me back, the nurse that tried three times to get a vein, but then decided to call the anesthesiologist and he tried twice to get a vein and finally got one in my wrist, the other anes. doc, the actual doc that was doing my surgery and the nurse in the OR. The one doc asked who Dawn was, when she was sitting there beside me while I was waiting. I stated she was my partner, he asked me what kind of business we were in, I said the lesbian business, he then caught on and made a funny back and said is that near Lusby? (which is a town a county over-I thought that was cute, he seemed like a chipper happy guy).

The port is sore and is much different from dad's it is about the size of a dime on the outside and pushes out above the skin a little, and on the inside it is about the size of a silver dollar. I was only there for about 4 hours total round trip. I know the pic looks like that of a breast or deformed nipple or something. I finally took off the large banages, I should have went up the freakin' road to PG where my father had his, I have a 2 inch scar above my right breast, very visible, and you can see the port line under the skin, it looks like a black line about the diameter of a spaghetti noodle that runs almost up to my neck then disappears, the port sticks out substantially. I wish I could push on it, and it could be like a beam me up scottie thing, but I don't think that is going to happen. I am not happy with the outcome.

Something's not right

I can't put my finger on it, but something's not right, here at cd cafe. I don't feel well. I am running a fever, I don't think it's just the sinus thing either. Tomorrow I go have my mediport put in, I am not nervous, note to self, I have to take my durable power of attorney and my advanced directive with me, they did ask me that on the phone.

Dawn's cleaning her bounty she caught lastnight, we went to see X-men3 today, it was pretty good, much better than I anticipated. Although, the highlight of evening, was indeed, not the movie, but the point, when after the movie, Dawn and I raced to the bathroom, because we needed to piss faster than Russian race horses race, and all the stalls were full. So we wait. A rather large lady comes in after us, and states, "Are they all full?", I responded, "Um yeah", I really wanted to say, "No, we just like hanging out in bathrooms with full stalls" why do people ask stupid questions like that?

It's like when people do something wrong and you tell them and they say, "My bad", WTF? My bad, when you do something good, you don't say "My good". It's like a cop-out for an apology. I don't get it. I just don't.

Sinuses

I went over to the BBQ, it was nice, I had a much better time than I expected, however, I picked up, and brought home something I didn't expect, a sinus infection. Missy's darling little ones were sick and I caught it. I managed to dodge what Dawn had for so long, but a few hours over there and I come home feeling icky, I will not be able to sleep tonight, I can't find my antibiotics I had for it not so long ago. I'd rather have an ass-whoopin' than a sinus infection, it hurts my nose and keeps me up at night. Ugh....................

Blah.........

I am about to go to a BBQ, DP is with her brother, that I have to inevitably wonder, if whether or not, he has a bit of a crush on me? she is fishing with him until 11 tonight. WOW. I am going over one of my very bestest friends from middle school for a BBQ in a few. The kids next door are irritating me because they're constantly arquing over stupid stuff that kids inevitably do, I think I am one of those people who can "hate" certain peoples kids.

The visit with the MIL didn't go all that bad, it was actually one of the more pleasant-er times. We agreed to co-sign the lease for Kasi and Chris to get the appartment, we're going to help them get a few things for the apartment. I can't help of think of the irony all the time about how we've always wanted a baby, when we've tried, we m/c'd and were plagued by STDs! with our known donor, then in our extended family two of our 18 and 19 year old nieces are about to have babies, odd how that works?!?

My sister came down today with the girls, she seems to think since DP wasn't going to be home that I would need to come up her house later, I know she was being nice, but I don't need constant interaction, I will be okay. We were talking about how Shawna, my other niece, doesn't want kids, and she said well she should at least have one, I said yeah, you think she should at least have one, but you don't think I should have any, she said you need to think about your health, I said well do you think I am going to die, or do you think I don't need to have any because I am a lesbian, make up your mind woman?!

I told her the other day, when she asked me why I had been feeling bad-as I've been for a few days-constant bathroom trips-more than usual, some sided pain, mucus, blood, pressure, etc., that I thought my cancer might be back, and something told me to say something to the doctor when I took my father to see my surgeon on Thursday but I didn't, she said, I think you're over-reacting, DOES SHE NOT STOP AND THINK BEFORE SHE OPENS HER CAKE HOLE?

Well I guess I better stop the rant and get going the BBQ is at furr!

Addition Problems?

You know that movie, back in the 80's, it was called, Moving, well, remember, the horrible next door neigbhor that used that mammoth lawnmower to cut 3 inches of grass? Well we have howdy crack ass next door doing the same thing, this morning he had two of them, they were similar to the pic posted. This is where my problem comes in, I went to bed around 1:30, I didn't get to sleep until 2:30, I got woke up periodically because of my bowel, I get woke up at 6:30 because Dawn is leaving, I get woke up at 7 because of the noise across the street, they're building another house, you see, then the phone starts ringing, so now it's around noon and I finally want to roll over, not to mention my TMJ medicine makes me weary, and Freida knows which one I am talking about!
So that is why I have addition problems today!

?

I'm becoming less defined as days go by, fading away, well, you might say, I'm losing focus...I'm drifting in the abstract...sometimes I think I can see right through myself........Trent Reznor.

Do you ever just wake up and wonder how the hell you got to this point in your life? Do you ever feel like you've skipped a few years? I feel like I've been comatose for about 5 years and I've just recently woken up. The problem with that is, I want to go back to sleep :)

Dad's appointment went exceptionally well today, he is going to have surgery, unfortunately later, than sooner, on the 17th of June with Dr. Smith. Dad will probably not need a bag, he was much relieved, as were we all, I think. I called all the aunties and uncles to let them know what the status of everything was, Debbie rode with us today, that was an adventure, she's really anxious and nervous and fidgetty.

Mis called me today, I shall call her tomorrow to see how she is doing. Tomorrow the MIL comes over for the night to allow me to help her with the credit cards she has and to help Dawn in building a family tree, should be interesting, I will TRY very hard to be NICE. Subconsciously I am a bitch and irritated a DP because her mother is still alive-I know this is shallow and harsh-but at least give me credit for admitting it, gesh!

It's almost 1 and I am still bright-eyed and bush-tailed, I got up at 7 this morning drove for 12 million.5 hours and came home and went through paperwork.

Our neighbor-we'll call him Peter Pervers is getting weirder(is this a word) by the minute-he waited outside of our car when we pulled into a parking spot at Wally World the other day-coo coo!

Goodnight world, off to an interrupted night of slumber I go.....

Dad

He doesn't look good. I went to pick him up today so we could go to the Bean Building and get copies of his medical records-of which I called last Friday and the damn lady stated they would be ready-we get there, they were not, then another office, Dr. Mehta's and Dr. Kankarian's stated that I had to come in and sign a request before they could copy them-I asked them what was the work around if he was in the hospital or if he was dying and we needed these records? Then I told them it was a cluster-fuck, yes, out loud, I didn't give a rats ass, I could deal with it a lot better when I had to go through all the RED tape when it was me, but I can't with him for some reason.

I scanned his pic and decided to post it, I know some might think it's TMI or even gross, but I don't care. I want people to see it, for the nasty shitty thing that it is.


I could be wrong, but I don't think he will be able to get away from this surgery without having another bag-the pathology report stated that there was a polyp in the rectum, then again, they could do an internal J Pouch so there is hope afterall, but, however, they did do a 30 cm biopsy, that's almost 15 inches for crying out loud!

Chemo-I start it on June 5th, apparently, you have to start it, then come back two days later, drop off the pump, then go back the next day and get another shot, so it's a 4 day ordeal. I have been posting online to a message board and some people are really having a hard time with this thing, hopefully I won't be one of them.

DC Kings, Mediports & Other random thoughts of shiat.....

......Friday night, Dawn, DP, Eric and I went to the 930 club to see the Great Big 6 Drag King show, it was okay, we didn't get home until 430 in the morning. I had a few drinks, mixed, and realized that my body cannot tolerate mixed drinks after the surgery, so I had to settle for one beer, which was it. It was nice to get out on one hand to have some sense of normalcy, then on the other, I realized how poor the air quality was in there with all the smoke, fog machines, and the fire tossing act on stage, and thought Christ, now I am going to get lung cancer (*insert humor here*).

Today, Monday, I went to see the surgeon about getting my mediport put in for chemo-HaPpY HaPpY No JoY, I will go next Tuesday and get it done. I am not scared of the procedure or anything, I will just be happy when it's done so I can get started on chemo....ugh.

I will take Dad to WHC this Thursday for the consult with my surgeon so he can discuss his options, in the interim, I am working on wrapping up 3+ months of being off work, tying up lose ends, and collecting as much of Dad's medical records that I do not have to take to the doc. Exciting, huh?

We went to see the DaVinci code on Saturday, it was a pretty good movie, or at least I thought. I only finished the book half-way so I don't know how different the ending was, even so, I thought it was a nice wrap up, now I want to go tour Europe even more so than I did before.

What more can this family take?

My family has definately been plagued by some bad karma or something. My mom was first diagnosed with colon cancer when I was 14, she kept having reoccurances after reoccurances until it killed her 8 years ago this year. My father was diagnosed with bladder cancer when I was 15, then he had an abdominal tumor that was cancerous and inoperable when I was 17, then he got lung cancer when I was 21, 6 months after my mom died, then the lung cancer came back, and now he has colon cancer. My sister Patty has had trouble with her ovaries and is bleeding irregularily and has also been having some colonic problems (passing blood). My sister Debbie has polycystic kidney disease. I am recovering from my total colectomy surgery I had done on 3/27 for colon cancer and am about to undergo 6 months of chemo and now this.

I feel bad for my father, having been a patient and a caretaker now, I would not have surgery if I was him. I don't have that much will in me, and I don't think that necessarily that that is a bad thing, but at almost 71 he is ready to go through another surgery, which I don't know whether or not he will have to have a colostomy bag or not, I hope he won't, espeically since he already has a urostomy. That would be so fucking IRONIC, my mom had two bags and so will my father. I don't have a good feeling about this surgery, my sister said she didn't either. Dad didn't look good today, very pale and weak, and this was before he found out. He was shocked, pissed, upset, a multitude of emotions, that unfortunately I"ve come to know personally. I can't imagine having it 5 fucking times. If I had a reoccurance I don't know that I would have surgery, because my next option would be a bag and I am not sure I would want a quality of life like that. Granted you can still do stuff and function and what not, but it's just different.

All this happens when I have to get ready to go back to work in a FUCKING week, GeSh!

Lions, Tigers, and Fertility Doctors....oh my!

Today, Dawn and I went to go see Dr. Mottla in Annapolis, a nearly two hour drive from our house, we took a wrong turn on the way there and got lost for about 1/2 hour then found our way back to get a call that the doctor had an emergency and would need to push our appt time back 1.5 hours, no biggie, but I did say to Dawn, do you think this is an omen? Maybe we shouldn't have children, she simply said no.

The Appointment: We get there and talk with Dr. Mottla about my history, my recent past surgery, the fact that I am getting ready to start chemotherapy for 6 months, 600 hours, worth, my genetic mutation of this wretched gene, etc., I told him the donor we've picked out since 2001 at Fairfax Cryobank had colon cancer in his family and his mother died of it, and that I had a 50% chance of passing this gene off onto my offspring. He stopped me mid-sentence and stated that the ultimate goal of fertility is achieving a child, a healthly child in the end, that is the ultimate goal, how you get there doesn't matter. I told him, that although condesending as it may sound, I don't feel that genetics make up a family, and I do think it takes more than an egg and sperm to be a parent, however, children are the ultimate immortality, he then says to me that regardless of genetics and whichever partner the egg comes from, the child will still be your ultimate immortality, because you will have passed on beliefts, moral values, and traditions that you have, genetics have nothing to do with that. He is saying this and I can't help but notice the MANY pictures of children on his desk, that are inevitably his family and inevitably look like him. He tells me that he doesn't want to side step his bounds or try to distraumatize anything that I've went through, but since I have a current health crisis, why put more heat on the fire? I went there seeking information regarding the possibility of getting my eggs harvested, fertilized, frozen and stored for long-term optional use down the road, with Dawn carrying, of course we'd have to chose another donor. Dawn and I looked at a white donor, and we've decided we like him, and he gave us a treatment plan for her to proceed with so that we could move forward in 6 months time once I am done chemo and on my way to better health.
At first when I left there, I was feeling better about things, almost in a sense like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder, but in another sense, I felt empty and hurt, because I felt like he really didn't listen to my needs or desires. There are many factors to consider in this and I don't want to leave any loose ends hanging. I just feel like once I start chemo, my womanhood is gone.

People say once you have the child, all the stuff that gets you there is just filler, and it's hindsight, you don't even think about it, but I am really wondering. Also, to add fuel to the ordeal, I called Dawn's insurance company and they only cover 6 IUIs per lifetime and that is at 50% each time, he would want to do two per month, which is 3500-5000, for 5 months, if everything is healthly with her. In addition, she has to meet certain criteria to be eligible for her insurance to cover this, and EVERYTHING has to be preauthorized, even lab work. The criteria she has to meet, is that if she is a female patient without a male partner, then she has to pay for 12 cycles of IUI at her expense without insurance paying for anything, then, secondly, if she were a female patient with a male partner, then she would just need a documentation from an OBGYN stating that she had been trying for 12 months at home with no pregnancy. I think that is a double-standard-bullshit-hog-wash if I ever saw one!

Sleep-Not Here

Okay, I've always been an insomniac to a degree, but I guess my body is dealing with stress and the worry of the side affects and long term affects of chemo, that I am subconciously stressing. Not to mention, they're starting to lay off people again at DPs job, they say she is fine, but you never know and I still won't know about mine until the end of May or June, or hell I don't know when. My father might have colon cancer now, they said the spot on his lung cleared up but his PetScan showed something in his bowel. He went up to the bean building to talk to the GI doc yesterday and while he was there, they took his BP of course, and all that jazz, and it was high, so they sent him to the ER, he is in ICU now, they think something is wrong with his heart. My grandfather died of cardiac arrest, all the peeps on his side have rapid heart rates including my father that is why we think this is normal for him. My uncles is 90, mine is usually 110 and my father's was 150, they gave him medicine all night long for it to go down and it finally did for a while, the cardiologist seems to think there is something wrong with my father's heart (avoiding an opportunity for a joke on purpose here), however, we see it as just his normal rhythm.

I didn't get to bed last night until almost 1:30, and I usually get up about 5 times during the night for the bathroom and then I was woken up when Dawn had to go to work and then on top of that, Debbie, Shawna and one of my aunts calls me this morning between 7 and 8. The phone just kept going off all the time, I was pissed.

So now I am finally fucking up and I can't sleep. I am going to take a shower and chill out because I don't feel that great-I've been having constant fucking migraines, no doubt stress related.

My Mom and Me

I love this pic so I wanted to post it, she was almost 40 years old here and she still looked hot:

Decisions, decisions

So I posted on this fucking thing yesterday and when I hit submit the puter locked up and I lost everything. I will definately do a copy before I hit submit this time.

So...I saw the surgeon and the oncologist down here-Dr. Uppal. The surgeon was impressed with my healing and told me I could go back to work the 1st of June. I am going to be looking forward to it in a way and not to forward to it in another way, it will be nice to have some normalcy in my life, however, I will be starting chemo, on or before I go back to work. That is going to be a partially all day thing with a going back and forth for like 2-3 days to the doc every other week, then the side affects, which I am subconsciously terrified of...nausea, vomiting, diahhrea, low blood counts, sensitivity to cold, hair loss, etc.

Dr. Uppal stated that I could have it done down here, and he would do a 6 month regimen of Folfox-that's Oxaliplatin, 5FU and Leucovorin. I won't be getting any Avastin, however, the Oxaliplatin in platinum based and considered high risk in terms of fertility, the other two are considered low risk, but if you combine the two, there is a high chance my period won't resume. Dr. Uppal strongly urges me to go and talk to an RE, so Dawn and I have an appt for May 17th to talk with them regarding my eggs and the potential of them. In fact, I received the information packet in the mail today. My insurance only has a 10K maximum for lifetime benefit, I shouldnt' say only because it's not like it's nothing, but here is what anticipated costs are at this point for just harvesting, fertilizing and freezing my eggs that would become embryos-10500 for invitro of the egg, then 1800 to inject the sperm or ICSI as they call it, 360 for storage for one year of the frozen embryo, 500 for sperm, then there is ultrasounds, medications like clomid and of course let's not forget the blood work. Dawn's insurance on the other hand-does cover up to 100K for a lifetime benefit and the use of IVF for up to 3 times per birth, however, I don't know what stipulations her benefits have on them. Thank God mine doesn't require me to be married or anything like that. Now we have to decide what to do among sperm donors-we were all set on 2175 up until now, because he is black, he looks like Dawn, and we thought he was a good fit, until I found out that his mum died of colon ca too, now that's me, my mom and his mom, I have a 50% chance of passing this onto my offspring. I talked with the genetics counselor over the phone today-she is fabulous btw-she said yeah I wouldn't want to do that unless they could offer me preimplantation genetic testing, which the fertility center does off, but to make it even more painful, this donor doesn't have IVF available, I don't know what the sperm bank offers either, and on top of it, how much money would it cost?

But in good news-the insurance company will pay for 100% of my genetic testing which is wonderful news-saving us about 2K.

Then we could use Dawn's eggs of course, but that is chosing another donor and we have one in mind-2287 however he doesn't have much product left. So we need to decide SOON.
I hate this, having the ability to have children taken away from me, or not necessarily, but what mother would want to bring a child into this world that could potential have a dreadful disease? They would have it at a much younger rate as well, also, even if I didn't use donor 2175. We've chosen 2287 for Dawn, he's white and looks a little like me sort of, however, there isn't much of his product left like I said.

On to more dreadful news, my father had his petscan done and they think everything is gone in the lung-at least this is coming from my almost 71 year old father who cannot hear or fathom very well what the doc is telling him and btw never ever does he ask questions-but they saw a spot in his colon, so they suspect cancer. I am going to find out what the uptake on it is tomorrow, that way I can figure out some stuff for myself. They told him regardless he has to have more chemo, it was just starting to make him sick and make his hair fall out too. He looked really earlier this week when I saw him on Tuesday.

I want to go to a NIN concert on 6/13/06, so I think I am going to buy the tickets tomorrow. My niece Dawn is supposed to come with us, I asked Mini and Mike but Mike won't talk to me so that would make it sort of odd if we did go, with them, huh?

Goodnight everyone.

My Oncologist is better than Yours

I saw that on a t-shirt online and I am going to order it I think it will be great humor when I start my chemo. Lately, I've been having a lot of chronic migraines and shoulder tension. I think it's because I am not taking the Topamax anymore since it caused me to have a kidney stone I am technically not supposed to take it, but I think I might resume. I've had 4 migraines back to back.

Tomorrow I go see the oncologist down here, Dr. Uppal, I will discuss treatment types and options with him and hopefully take the next step in getting my port put in, I will then decide whether to go down here for it, or to Georgetown.

....And in insomniac news today, I fell asleep on my own while reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, it was truly amazing, although it only lasted for a hour or so...........oh well.

Goodnight All.

P.S. If you're reading this Amanda, congrats on the contract stuff, I am happy you have a job! Now, what's up with the road trip?

Thrown In

I just had to throw this in, since I am still up at almost 1 am, and I am surfing the internet, succesfully, for nothing.

I will have yet another night of trying to get to sleep and can't............and I am reading and that usually helps........but not now for some reason.

My
mind
races
about
firvolous
shiat.

I am tired and my ass hurts from shitting constantly last night and all day today-explosive unrelenting diahrecan'tspellthe fuckingwordrea.

Our ass clown neighbor.........

.........wakes us up this morning at fucking 6:30! I am an insomniac, I must not be woken before 10:30 on the weekends, preferably noon, especially since I didn't get to sleep last night until freakin almost 3:30. We have a no-calling the house before noon rule on the weekends, that most of our relatives know, minus my sister Patty, and my can't hear shit father, Howard.

He (the ass clown neighbor) asked us if he could pull in a truck to drop some cement down in the back of his house because he was doing a patio or some shit, Dawn stated it was fine but if any damage was caused he would have to pay for it, well there's damage all right. She talked to him about it and he stated he wanted to take us out to dinner for the inconvenience, Dawn stated no that's okay. I'd rather have my eyelids cut off and feed sleeping pills than go eat anywhere with them two, I know this might be rude, but these are the people that gave us odd looks at the home development center when we were picking out house colors for our house to be built, looking at us and thinking in their heads, "Are they together? Is that a girl and a girl? ", I sincerely think they thought that, but that's just my opinion I could be wrong.

We took the long trip to Waldorf today, we went to look at home exercise equipment at Sears, Sporting Authority and Dicks Sporting Goods, we ate at the Olive Garden and went to see the movie Ice Age 2. I thought I was going to have to give Dawn a timeout as much noise as she made in the movie theater, very fidget too in an almost annoying kind of way, but I got over it.

All and all I enjoyed my day and time with her. The ex called, twice, didn't leave a msg and then sent me a txt msg on the phone to say she had two tickets for us to see a baseball game and wanted to know if we'd wanted them, "I was like uh, ok", who is it, Bowie Bay Sox? I would rather have my fingernails removed than watch a damn baseball game, I don't even watch Dawn play when she was on the team last year, why the fuck would I want to sit through one professionally with a bunch of males watching males? I know it was nice of her to offer, but I can't help but think it's just another plot for her to get back into my life somehow or make mettle conversations that inadvertently mean shiat!

TMI WARNING-luckily today, I didn't have much problem with being in public, eating and dealing with the recent colectomy. I did have to use the public toilets like 3 or 4 times but I was pretty okay with it, I didn't have to worry about public toilet ass (PTA) either because there were seat covers in every bathroom I had to use. I am very thankful to have healed so nicely since surgery and to have had my body fully recover so far the way it has, including my small intestine. (*Insert thanks to the small intestine here*). Cancer has made me more aware of my food choices and what I chose to put in my body, I am gradually starting to see food for what it really is and that's fuel. Today I saw some red substances in my stool but I am hoping it wasn't blood and just something red and cellulose I ate.

DP and I talked more today about children and are pondering many thoughts regarding when, how and what nots. We are going to make an appt with our RE to see what his thoughts are and what options he can offer us and to find out exactly what her insurance covers and what mine does, that way we can figure out what to do about sperm and donors. I hate feeling so complacent about this and my job at the moment, not knowing all the details irritates the shiat out of me! :)

TGIF and the best pic of us in awhile...

That there is a picture of me and DP when we were at the baby shower for her brother, Paul. I think this is one of the best pictures I've ever taken-I know that says a lot-look at my hair, I just like the pic and wanted to post it.

So I went to lunch today at Ruby Tuesday's with my big sistas-Patty and Debbie. Patty treated, it wasn't anything to brag about, I don't heart Ruby Tuesdays. Patty and I came back here, and she did what she always does try to clean, and my house isn't dirty she just wants to do some upkeep stuff I guess.

I made an appt with my local oncologist to see what he would recommend for the treatment of me with my stage, etc., I will know more on Tuesday. Tuesday is the day, I go see my surgeon that day too, I hope I can go back to work soon. I am bored with sitting home and being restricted. I think I might have the port put in here locally too, rather than go up the road. Again, not crazy about the hoopla scars.

I want to go camping with the girls, and go to Gilbert's Run to do paddle boating-I use to take them when they were little and they want to go again. Patty says to me today when we were talking about donors, do I know that if we have a baby I can't give it back like house, it's not like we're playing anymore. I am like no really. She is like you can't get up and go like you're use to, REALLY? I'd never thought of it, and furthermore where in the hell do we go? NO WHERE, we're always just running errands and doing the daily boring stuff and that's it. She thinks I should wait 5 years, I already feel like we've waited long enough. She then tells me when I told her in 5 years I could be dead, and she said that's what I mean, what's the point? I said well we would have a child together and she said but it won't be from you, it will be from Dawn. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST that's what I thought. She has also voice her opinions because of us being lesbian parents. I don't think discussing this topic with her is of benefit to either one of us.

I don't know why I put TGIF-I am not waiting to do anything special this weekend. I would like to go and buy a treadmill and a stationary bike to put in the basement but I don't think we will because of the uncertainity of my job position come June.

And baby makes 3?

Dawn and I have talked a lot recently regarding having a child. We're at that point in our lives where I think we need more, we've got our house, her job is pretty stable, at the moment mine isn't, but I should know something about that soon, and although we're not finished with school completely, our biological clocks are ticking, and in addition, this whole Cancer thing has really made me wake up.

I am feeling very numb and disappointed to a degree. I know this sound selfish and sloth, I know it sounds odd and confusing and almost contradictorary, but I am having issues with her being the carrier. It isn't her DNA, although we do joke frequently about her and her mother not having prenatal care when she was pregnant with Dawn, it is just the choice to do it that gets my goose.

We started looking at donors and thinking about ttc in 2001, we finally tried in 2004 and I had a chemical pregnancy-boy do I hate that term. That freaked me out and I didn't want to try again, the disappointment was too much, I didn't want to go through it again. Now in 2006, we are getting older, and we kept saying the time wasn't right, but is there ever a right time? Other than shelter and a job that can pay the bills and let you live comfortably, what more do you need? When I am on my death bed, I want to recall memories with my loved ones, as cliche as it sounds, it's true, I don't want to recall all my accomplishments and accolades without people in them. I can't take my degrees with me when I die, but I could take my memories.

For so long now, it's I that would carry, I would use my egg and uterus to bring our child into this world. She had mentioned carrying but we didn't think it an option, hell I even questioned how serious she was about it, apparently she is serious and this is our option. I know it's sad and I am probably being pissy potty pants, but when you've planned on doing something for so long and now you can't it really bites.

I truly think infertility is worse than Cancer, at least for me, it is. Some Cancer patients would say oh no, you have to worry about yourself first, but although that is true, the way I look at it I am thinking of future me.

I am scared that I would love the baby less if it wasn't biologically mine, and I am also ashamed at the same time to admit that, how shallow can I be? I truly believe that genetics and DNA don't make up families, love does, but then why do I still feel this way? Is it natural or just selfish? I know I would nest as if I were carrying, I am already starting to envision the 4th bedroom as a nursery and thinking about the leave time and policies her company offers.

How would the roles in our relationship also change? As much as I hate labels, Dawn is the more butch one and I am the femme. I would need to do the household chores that she couldn't, running to the dump, cutting the grass, etc., I can handle that, however, I don't know if I could handle her running around in lavender and pink. Or some fu-fu pregnancy shit that is out there. I know this is cold, these thoughts are cold and obnixous, but I still have then and have to get them out, so thanks for listening.

Chemo or No Chemo?

I just called Lisa at the Lombardi Cancer Center, and sort of what Dr. Marshall stated was accurate. If I go through with the study at Geogetown, which initially I was gun-ho for, then I will get 5FU, Leucovorin and Oxaliplatin, plus Avastin, if I am placed into that category, based on my tumor markers. If they test my tumor markers and I come back low risk, I may be placed into a category where they only monitor me, that isn't kosher with me, because I am stage II, meaning that there COULD be cancerous cells out there that are undetectable at the moment. The benefit of having this study done, is to save about 850 bucks and test my tissue to see if it has high or low tumor markers, talking with my genetic counselor, I could pay for this myself and it wouldn't be an issue, I could put it on the card or something. If I have this done and I am low risk, which is more a state of mind piece of information for me, then I wouldn't have chemo. My father had lung cancer, and didn't have any follow up chemotherapy and his came back. I think it's in my best interest to have at least some chemo. The Oxaliplatin is what messes up your fertility because it is more platinum based than the other ones which are low risk, besides Avastin, but if you combine enough low and med risk, you get high in my opinion.

If I go through with the study, it's the question of whether or not my insurance would pay for this, then it's the other question, of driving back up there two times every other week. I would have to go up there every other Monday, then back up there on Wednesday to have the pump discharged, because it is a clinical study, it would have to be discharged up there. Dr. Marshall stated it could be done at home by a home health nurse if my insurance paid for it.

I feel like the clinical trial is a risk for me, if I take part in this, the first thing to do would be to get my tumor markers sent off to get testing done, then I would have the mediport put in and go from there, the mediport has to be put in my chest wall regardless, I don't have an option of one going in my arm, or anything like that. They have only had males do the study, no females, so they don't know what the outcome on fertility is, or whether or not my period would resume. Dr. Marshall told me he had a few females in the study and they're periods resumed, was he talking about another study and getting it confused with mine? Or does he just want my input for the study? I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I have like 5 days to make this decision, I told Lisa I would call her tomorrow, to let her know, I am going to talk it over with a few people today and see what they think, I am also going to call my Oncologist down here and get their point of view, as well as their "official" treatment plan if I were to have the chemo down here.

To be continued..................

Catch-UP

Ummm...where do I begin? I have been on STD(short term disability) now for a while, having had surgery on 3/27. Things are going a lot smoother than they were initially, I thought I was going to die and for a while there, I really wanted too.

I've lost a ton of weight and I am now down to about 150. I will most likely lose more once chemo starts, I will call the peeps at Lombardi tomorrow to see how things will go with getting my mediport put in, *a process I am not looking forward to* because my scar free exterior up top will now have at the very least two scars where the port is, not to mention it's another surgery to have it put in, another to have it removed, and possibly one more if this thing on the right doesn't clear up on it's own. Dawn goes to see Dr. Polko tomorrow so I will be asking about the right sided mass then.

The fam and friends came over on Sunday for a little get together, it was nice, good times, good times. We played cranium with the girls and a few friends, Patty and Debbie really enjoyed theirselves.

My father isn't doing too well, his last chemo treatment really affected him, he's been battling nausea, hair loss and chronic fatigue since he started, and he only had 21 hours of it, I am really wondering what it's going to be like for me with my 600 hours of it. I don't know if I will take the full cycle, I will try out the clinical trial period because hopefully the findings will benefits other people down the road.

I am a little less topsy turvy about the non-possibility of children. We found a donor at Fairfax Cryobank that sort of looks like me a little and I'm content with that. I was watching something on TV the other day and someone said, children are the ultimate immortaility, that is so true, that's what is so hard for me to let go of that possibility. CANCER FUCKING SUCKS.

Here's my letter to Cancer:

Dear Cancer,

Fuck Off!

Christy

Why couldn't you have invaded my body a few years down the road, when my massive life insurance, cancer insurance, and baby making days would have been good and done with? Why did you have to come now? Why ever?.......okay that's the pissy potty pants side of me.

This is the rational side of me:

I am thankful that it's only Stage II, that it didn't spread to any of the 16 lymph nodes and that they found it when they did, that I was able to have a total collectomy without severe complication or healing impairment. I am thankful to have my youth on my side through this healing process. I need to count my blessings.

Experience today:

Dawn stopped by Lowes to pay for someone to install our shower door in the master bathroom, since the plans of her and James doing this are now, null and void-long boring ass story, won't go there! I am sitting in the truck, balancing out the bills and writing myself a reminder list to do. I have the massive TI-85 calculator while doing so (important detail in this story), a very large fat bottom woman and her son comes out, their SUV is parked one empty spot away from ours, she starts yelling at her son as to why he can't put the merchandise they purchased correctly into the back of the SUV, I don't want to hear their biatchin, so I insert Prodigy and select track 5-smack my bitch up, and listen to that really loud-problem solved. Secondly, a white worker van comes up, pulls in beside me into the empty spot separating me from the bitchy people, I am still listening to my music minding my own bees wax when the black 40-something guy gets out and says, "Calculus is hard", I am thinking what? I turned off Prodigy and then said, huh? He repeats himself, then I am like, "uh, yeah". He goes in the store. 12 hours after Dawn has went in, she finally returns, and so does he a few minutes before her, she comes to the truck and says, did he try to pick you up? I said I don't know why, she said because he is starring at you, I look up and sure enough he was, I was like WTF? We drove off and that was that. I think I might put that on a shirt, "Calculus is hard".

Time to check out, I need to shower and go to bed with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Hasta Beasta