Dawn

This post is dedicated to my wonderful, loving, endlessly caring, tremendously giving partner, Dawn. I heart her so, she is so good to me. She truly is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me, no matter how cliche it sounds. I wish everyone could find the kind of happiness I have with her, especially my nieces, Kasi, Shawna, Haley and Dawn.

I put a picture of mine truly so that you can relax in her hottness :).

Me

ChilDrEn, donors and sperm banks and oh yeah the EGGS!

That's been the question that I've been thinking about for the past day or so, I think maybe my gyno visit might have sparked it off even more.

Dawn and I started looking at donors at Fairfax Cryobank around 2002, only 2 years after we were together, this October we will be together for 6 years. It's certainly a record for me, I usually want to trade them in at the five year mark. Dawn's different though. I totally HEART here.

When I got pregnant before, I felt like my life had ended and another's had began, that is was no longer about me, it was about IT, I didn't mind that feeling, it felt nice, but also helpless, that was only 2 years ago-almost, this coming December our child would be two. WOW, just thinking of it that way makes me really think about it more!

I talked with Ann yesterday, she and Cindy now are a family of four, Morgan is almost two months now. We talked about having children and she stated she thinks we should, a lot of people think we should. Dawn even thinks we should, she stated she could live without a child, and be happy with just us, but then in that sense it seems weird in one aspect. I think it's this American Dream bullshit, buy a house, have a family, live happily ever after babble that is encroached into our minds from birth.

I don't know if I could be happy without a child, I am not in the middle like Dawn. I am on one extreme or the other, I am kind of like that with everything actually, I am trying not to be, and have become nonchalant about a few things lately. I sort of feel like we've worked really hard to get where we are, to build this house, which everyday I love more and more and to be somewhat debt free. In one aspect I feel we should have a child, it would be awesome to raise a child with Dawn, then on the other side, I feel like let's live life a little more then have a child, but with my recent diagnosis, it's hard to think about the future long, long term-meaning greater than 5 years.

Right now, I just don't know about any of this.....

HPNCC and genetics

So I went to Dr. John Marshall yesterday at Georgetown, we discussed the possibility of my having HPNCC and whether or not it was a 1 or 2, 1 being better at this point, 2 requiring a total hysterectomy as suggested treatment to ward off the possibility of ovarian/cervical or uterine cancer. I think I will pursue the idea.

Today, I went to get my blood checked and get procrit and stuff, but didn't need it, I then went to see my fabo Nurse Practioner for a pap smear, I was astounded to find out I had not had one since May 2004, that has me concerned....a little. She found numerous lumps all throughout my breasts, yes both of them, it's plural, and I have to get a mammogram next week, the 23rd. I am hoping for the best and expecting the best, if something less significant comes back, I will ulitmately be devestated and probably give up. Having one cancer is bad enough, more less two and at the same time!

Today Shawna and Mike broke up and then got back together, Haley and I had a civilized meaningful talk online and Dawn went to the Olive Garden with Dawn and myself, and paid for dinner, in return I got her junk at Walmart afterwards. However, Dawn found something in her lasanga, so WE ALL got free desserts which was very nice, I got the lemon cake, at 5.50 a slice I would have not have ordered it had it not been free, it was very good :).

I am getting my eating out, out, because after surgery I will be totally changed digestively speaking.

I took Dad to the store today, he is indeed an odd soul. I also requested additional Levaquin for him from CRC since he didn't do this himself and is still coughing up blood and sputum.

The Roomstore guy came over today and inspected the table and told me everything I already knew, then told me that they would be following up with us to deliver another table and take that one away, I am definitely going to try to get the delivery fee back for the inconvenience of this all, we shall see how that turns out.

I am tired, my knees hurt and I am cold.

God, I love Dawn, I hope that nothing is wrong with my breasts, I don't know what I will do...crack probably...suicide is out, insurance won't pay anything if I do that. I wish my mom was here with me, she'd comfort me the way only mothers know how to, I know she's here in spirit but I just wish I could smell and hug her one last time. I do miss her incredibly so, she truly was the wind beneath my wings and right now I could use some air.........

No title necessary

I am having a better day today than I was before, actually it's been like 5 days straight that I haven't felt terrible. I have actually went places, and not just to the ever-ongoing doctor's appointments. I have one tomorrow in Georgetown to see the specialist, then Wednesday I have two, OBGYN and to get more iron, blood, and procrit and fluids. Wednesday will be busy, in addition to the two doctors appointments, I have another appt with the Roomstore to come out and look at our table in the formal LR.

Dawn is in the garage playing and having a ball. I've been online for the past two hours trying to get stuff done. We went and got our taxes done tonight, that wasn't painful at all, it was $145.00 mind you, but it wasn't painful. We are getting back twice as much as I thought we were, which is LOVELY!

I am having a lot of mixed emotions lately about everything that is going on with me and my life and how my life will change after surgery and how it will affect US. Dawn has been great through this whole process, I am so lucky and thankful to have her by my side. She truly is the definition of love. I heart her so.

My sister has been an off and on pain in the ass, telling me I am negative, to then telling me I am dealing with it well, how the hell does she know? I know she means well but it irks me to no end sometimes. My other sister is too high to worry about anything, she can't come off the meds or weed long enough to see the sunlight, however, she stated she will be there when I get operated on, then there are the nieces. I have to say I am really disappointed in them. I have given so much of my life to them, from when they were very small even until now. If any of them call me and need something I don't hesitate to drop what I am doing and help them. I've given them large amounts of money, helped them with their school work, went on field trips with them, hell I even let Shawna live with us. If they were in this situation I would check on them often, make an effort to spend more time with them, as if I don't already do that enough. Dawn has been good, she really has, she was very compassionate when she found out. Shawna didn't really say much other than that she was sorry and that Debbie told her. Haley said OMG. Since then I've seen and heard from Haley once and that was on the same day. Shawna doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, i.e. Verizon or take her to get her insurance renewed, of which I haven't done either. Dawn comes by occassionally and calls me to see how I am doing. These people are in our will, which has led me to think otherwise too. Freida always says Man will disappoint you time and time again, God won't. I truly believe that. She also said her pastor said, look at your life and the people that surround it in terms of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. I feel like I add and they subtract for the most part. I am not saying that everything has to be about me, I am not trying to have a pity party with a large group of 1 mind you, but I am saying, if you were in this position, how would you want to be treated? I now, know, how it feels to be the patient and caregiver. I don't know which I prefer really, I guess the patient, I don't want to see anyone go through this, it sucks.

Surgery is March 27th, I am not scared of surgery, however, I am scared of recovery, or shall I say ancy. I fear the catherter, that thing is no joke. I don't want anyone touching my who-ha to do that. I hope I will heal very well and come home early, that would be nice. I am confident that surgery will go fine and I will be okay, but there is a little part of me that feels this could be it, that I will go to sleep and never wake up. It's very odd really, I don't know why I feel that way. I wonder if this would be harder to deal with if I didn't have Dawn. I don't want to do anything to hurt her.

I've realized that I really need to live life instead of thinking about living life. I am not so interested in pursuing a demanding and challenging career or going to Physicians Assistant school, granted that my experience now as a patient might make it more worth it, I just feel that my life has a mark on it now, that even though I will be cured from cancer now, it might come back, and I feel because of this, that my years are limited, and if not, definitely shortened. I want to go on a vacation with Dawn to NYC that we've been talking about for years, I want to buy something outrageous without over analyzing everything all the time, I want to write a book about this experience so that it might help someone else, I want to get involved in fund raising and awareness for this dreaded disease. I just want to live, because lately I feel like we haven't been very much with getting ready for the house and the move it seemed like we put everything on hold to accomplish that, well now we're here, what next? I don't want to "waste" time on a college degree, when I could be spending it living. If you had a life threatening disease, what would you want to do?

Children: I don't know how I feel about these anymore and whether or not we want or need one really. Dawn still does, I don't know, I think that I could be happy with just the two of us, she thinks it would be neat to have a child, if you have one you have to have two, so I don't really know about this, and if I did have one why would I want to bring them into this world with a possible genetic mutation? All this weighs on my mind, not heavily but it's there. Then if I have to go through chemo, that's another consideration, and blah blah blah.

It's time to get some work done for now.........

Shitty Day

I am having a shitty day, not the worst day since 2/23, when I was diagnosed with well to moderately differientiated adenocarinoma, 3 cm in size in the right ascending colon near the cecum, where the ileum connects to the small intestine. My CEA levels were low, .2, my abd, pelvic and chest CT came back clear, so it looks like I caught this thing in time. I am thinking possibly it could be stage 1 or stage 0 even, in situ, which would be very lovely. I've been referred to a hematologist at Georgetown's Lombardi Cancer Center, and I can't seem to get a response out of them to get me a sooner appointment. I've seen the surgeon, Dr. Lee Smith at Washington Hospital Center that will be doing my surgery, the consult went well I thought, his bedside manner was crappy, he didn't seem to be much of a people person, but he seemed to know his stuff. His associate, Dr. Thomas Stahl is listed in a book I am reading, as well as this guy I am going to see at Georgetown, Dr. John Marshall. I go have my PetScan done next Monday, to rule out additional mestatistes and to see what staging the cancer is, if applicable.