D-day?

Or should I say C-day? I had my scopes done today. I came awake on the table because they put too much air in my colon. The doc wouldn't specify whether or not it was Cancer, but he didn't say it wasn't. I am definitely losing the blood from that site though. A million and two things are running through my head......I am really freaking out here. We just got this big ass house, if I lose my job I lose my benefits, but there might be hope. I should be able to cobra my health and hopefully use my life insurance too. It will be about 400 a month, I don't care though, because I have no other choice. I just feel that no one really understands me or what I am going through, and not in the sense that I am the only one this has ever happened to. My sister says to me today, why you, not in the terrible, OMG way, why you, but she is looking at me as if I am doing something to cause this, something wretched, she is like you need to change your diet, I am like whatever, I eat fiber, I eat fast food, but I still eat lots of broccoli, which is a cancer deterent and look I may still have it. I am 29 and I MAY have cancer, that sucks, if it's true, even if it isn't I still have to have surgery to have my colon removed, at 29!

My main worry throughout this all, isn't dying or even cancer. It's Dawn. I worry about how she will cope and deal, what will I leave her with? Will she be able to afford it on her own, etc., that's what I worry about. People keep saying don't think the worst, uh, how can I not? My mom died of it, it's on the right side just like hers was, it's genetic, the doc ordered a CEA test on me, and wanted me to have an abd/pelvic ct right away-to see if anything spread, so how can I not worry? or think the worst?

I am really just ready for all this to be over with, I am going to bed for now.

Stomach's Calling....

So I am sitting here, on my work email, even though I am on short term disabtility (STD). My stomach is making these odd noises, it's like personalized gas sounds, I feel like maybe I should record a CD? It's like a gurgling sound with bubbles, that's the best way to put it.

I went to the doc's yesterday, I don't know anymore today than I did yesterday, but my mind is at ease. I don't feel weel, my belly is crampy and I am distended. I have one week to go, if my sanity can hold it.

We have 3 days until we move, I am in shock at this point, when they*-DP and Dr. Kylie-look around they don't see what I do, I see odds and ends everywhere, cleaning that needs to be done, etc. Haley has bailed on me for Friday night, I am a little pissy about that. Dawn G will be helping us, so it will be just us girls, DP, me, Dawn G and Dr. Kylie to do the big move on Friday, problem is, I can't pick up stuff, I am not supposed to lift any heavy items, really anything past 10 pounds. I feel bad that I am feeling bad.

Dawn wants to go see the house this afternoon, that's all she ever wants to do, the novelty has warn off for me because I am ready to move in and stop seeing it. Fear and concern is starting to sit in about my job. I don't know if I will have one and unemployment looks like it is going to be coming to me closer I will definitely have to cobra some benefits, at 400 bucks a month, that's a nightmare, so I hope I can find something soon and that my health is good.

SNOW!

I don't heart snow, it's nice and pretty and all, but it's messy and treacherous to drive in and it's cold when it snows.

We move in 5 days, I am the only one that cares to have a count down, I will be glad to have this move under our belt. The term must not get fired before I get laid off doesn't mean dope anymore. I just want to be able to cobra my benefits, because until I find out what "this" is in my bowel, I am going stir crazy. I have to wait until 2/21 to have the important test I need, my docs office never called me back on Friday, after leaving 5 combined messages between the PCP and the GI specialist. I've joined a colon cancer support group online, just in case. I need someone to talk to that is in the same shoes I am, I asked my sister what was her first instinct on all of this, she said she thought it sounded bad, which made me feel even worse. She told me that she would be by my side and we would get through this, because we have before, I held back tears as she said that and just thought without reply, well, the only time we've been through it is with our dead mother and ailing father, not good comparisons sis.

I am going to try and get some rest and not think about "things", tomorrow, if the snow permits, I plan to go to UUC on Chancellors, they're having a service specifically about gay and lesbian marriage, should be interesting.

Goodnight All

CaNcEr

Cancer. If you look at the word, it doesn’t appear to be foul, dangerous, or even overbearing, but say it out loud, and it takes on a whole new stance. It becomes frightening, terrifying, mind-consuming and overbearing.

I have anemia. Friday, February 3, 2006. What they don’t know, is why I have it. I have lost so much blood, that I needed two blood transfusions, ironically, I was sent to OPIS, for a transfusion, I had to have two of them because I’d lost so much blood.

Now everything is going through my mind, especially when they say words like GI BLEEDING may be to cause, worst-possible cause scenario COLON CANCER, (see there’s that word again). I am trying not to think the worst, I am not of those people, that associate the big C with the big D, however, I am realistic, and having seen what my mother went through, I fear that almost as much as I fear the thought of myself having it.