to Chemo or Not Chemo?

I have been racking my fucking brain over this tedious mind-fucking decision. My body is totally ready to quit. I have chemo brain already, only after a few cycles, 1 month of treatment, with 5 to go.

I have good intution, I knew something terrible was going to happen to my health before I found out I had cancer in February, I knew in November something terrible was going to happen, I just didn't know what part of my health would be affected, but I knew it was something. I have been called jokingly a prophet because my intution is usually that fucking good. However, it's null and void when it comes to lotto numbers, I play 217 it comes out 297, etc., I am 1/2 and 1/2 on this one. I don't know whether or not to do or not to do. I dont' know what keeps me going, I guess the fear, and possible guilt that I would have knowing a year from now it came back and I didn't do anything about it. Anything about it, is harsh, I've had my entire large intestine and appendix removed for this, I've gone through 1.5 cycles of chemo, 2nd was a reaction and stopped early. So it's not like I haven't done anything. My tumor was only 3.2 cm and I had the rest of my colon removed prophaylitically so that I would be okay. I keep have these reappearing masses on my ovaries every other month, that appear to be cysts, they're larger than 6 cm, and I have a 60% chance of endometrial cancer, so I guess I should just throw in the towel and say hello hysterectomy?

I hate being in the midst of this, I hate not knowing, I hate having to make this decision, that not only affects me, but Dawn. I wish things were easier, hell, doesn't everybody?

I got in a sort of altercation with the lady at the bean building today. I went in for my pelvic sono, that seemed to simulate a Vaginal War and the tranducer (wand they stick inside of you-very phallic like) is Darth Sidius or something. I had the sono done she told me the right ovary is now clear, the left has a mass. I was worried instantly, wondering, thinking, pondering, jumping to conclusions, is it another cyst, why are they becoming so prominient now, is this a message from my body to demand further follow-up? I go out and ask the lady at the receptionist desk if she can check for me to see if my ct results are back, the abd/pelvic ct that I had done yesterday, she says I have to see my doctor for that. I told her that HIPAA law allows me to request my medical records, regardless of doctor verification at anytime, and they have to produce them for me, she stated that wasn't THEIR policy, I told her that HIPAA policy supercedes THEIRS or they will be in violation of HIPAA, that HIPAA is federal law. Then I proceeded to tell her that they found something on my ultrasound and I wasn't trying to be a bitch, but if she was a cancer patient she would understand. She looked, and said nothing was back yet. She told me Monday would probably be the earliest. I will wait until then, I won't wallow in self pitty and go up there tomorrow like I was, hell I've only had 3 appointments this week and I have another one tomorrow.

Okay I will stop ranting for now, tune in next time as we continue the CHEMO discussion on cdcafe.

Bullshit

This week has been rough, I had my abd/pelvic ct today, tomorrow I have a sonogram. The doctor called me and told me what's up with Dad.
Kasi got fired from Bjs yesterday, they said it was for under-ringing. So what happens now, she came over lastnight and we helped her as much as possible with looking for another job, it's just bullshit because we just co-signed her lease on her apartment.

Will write more later.......

Dear Cancer

Why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
I think you owe me a great big apology!

i really don't know what you mean
seems like salvation comes only in my dreams

my head is filled with disease
my skin is begging you please
i'm on my hands and knees
i want so much to be free

That's from Terrible Lie by NIN, but I feel it accurately describes how I feel and why I feel it. I think cancer patients go through several different emotions, and right now anger is one of mine. I am pissed that this invaded my life and I am angry.

Killing me softly

I've decided, through a long arduous thought process, that chemo isn't for me. I truly feel it is causing me more harm than good, I am getting a sinus and uti infection after my treatment, each time now, I am on steroids because of the allergic reaction I had to it, which, btw, they told me is very rare, only 1% of the population every experiences that.

I have prayed and prayed on this, asking God for guidance regarding chemo. I felt the allergic reaction was my last straw and my sign. I truly feel it's tearing me down. The oncologists cannot tell me if this will benefit me, so what's the point to keep posioning my body with a substance you're not even supposed to touch with your hands? But yet they're putting it in my body? I always said if I ever had cancer I would not do chemotherapy, well I've given it my best shot for two cycles now, and it's over, I throw up the white flag.

It is day 4 since chemo and I am still not myself. I am lounging around at home, with barely enough energy to go to the bathroom. I don't want to do this every other week for the next six months. People say to me, what's six months compared to a life time? One lady told me she would try harder if she had kids, which she did. It's not that I want to die or I am ready to die. It's not that I am giving up, it's just I feel this method of treatment is not for me.

I go Wednesday to have an abd/pelvic ct and a pelvic sono on Thursday to follow up on my various aliments that have been going on, hopefully I won't get any bad news. I am thinking positive.

On another note, my father is doing better, but probably will not be out of the hospital until later on next week.

In other news, Dawn say a snake in the yard today, now she is freaked about snakes, interesting enough it was by Drew and I had a dream that Drew was going to get bit by a snake, that is why I am incesant upon her taking her out on a leash, this time she did.

Allergic Reaction

Last night around 5 pm I started getting very nauseated. Around 10 pm I had a severely red face, that was extremely hot to touch, and then my hands and feet starting constricting, I lost my ability to grip in my right hand and dropped my prescription when I had picked it up during the day. My feet and hands were tingling and my lips were numb and tingly, my port was warm to touch, and my heart rate was about 136 per minute. My face was so freakin hot, the EMT touched it and said it felt like I had at temp of 104, yet my temp was only 96.3. I was freezing on my hands and feet. They disconnected the port, after much ado about nothing, and I felt better, today after, getting home from the ER at freakin 4 in the morning, and then I wake up around noon and I am covered in hivey blotches all over my legs and feet. My arms are having crampy pains all the way down them and I had severe joint pain yesterday, even thought I didn't have the neulasta yesterday, which is what they said causes the joint pain.

I called my oncologist, and they want me to come up there today when I go see the other doc about the rectal bleeding today, my oncologist stated he thought I could be allergic to the Oxaliplation or the Zofran, so they didn't want me to take anymore Zofran, I dont' think it's the Zofran though. I could be wrong.

Maybe this is God telling me to discontinue chemotherapy. I kept saying as soon as I develop a rash or anything happens with my face, I am going to stop. I didn't even finish my second cycle, I feel like suck a fucking whimp.

Chemo Day Regimen #2....MY cancer is better than YOURs

Today I went to go get my chemo cocktail. It took them FOREVER to get me in and out. My counts are still down, I discussed the 12,356.7 side affects of chemo that I am having with my doc, he gave me some Zofran and Lorazepam for nausea. Thank God for health insurance, for 12 pills my copay was 20 bucks and it cost the insurance 477, for the Zofran that is.

I like my oncologist he is a cutie pie, he really is, his name is Dr. Uppal.

I am hoping that I will be able to go to work today, I did work from home this morning prior to my treatment, then I went into the office for a few afterwards.

Tomorrow I will go see my father to see how he is doing, I thought about going to DC tonight, but it's too much right now. I feel bad, I've only seen him twice since he's been up there.

Today this lady was there getting chemo, an ovarian survior for 15 years with stage IV, she's in her 50's. She was ranting and raving about how it's the silent killer, and it is, I said yeah just like people shouldn't get tested until their in their 50's for colon cancer. I said 165,000 people are diagnosed each year with colon cancer, 7 % of them are under age 50, what about all those other people? She was like Ovarian is worse, colon cancer is preventable. I wanted to slap the hair right off her head, what was left (DISCLOSURE: Sorry to anyone reading this that has ovarian cancer, I don't mean ill will). She then went on to say that I was lucky, which I know I am for it being Stage IIA. Then she also stated that she didn't believe in surgeons that operate on people who think they're going to die, she stated how she went to a surgeon that would only operate on patients that wanted to fight. That annoyed me too. I feel anyone that has this fucking cell bashing disease in their body has a right to feel whatever the fuck they want. Everyone has an equal right to feel how they want, we all react differently because we're different. That to me is like saying, which some family members have, it's okay if we put 4 people in the backseat, but I only have 3 seatbelts, okay so if we get in an accident, who wants to die? ......Okay, so it might not be exactly the same metaphor but you know what I mean. I just wanted to say to her quit the nanny nanny boo boo, my cancer is better than yours, routine. I should coin that term and make t-shirts out of it! That would be a hoot! She said she was an inspiration to a lot of people, I said my mom was and is my hero.

Got a letter from the stupid ass fertiltiy bank today about Dawn's coverage being denied because she doesn't ride penis, I want to send them back a thank you note and tell them to grow some balls, if they need some Dawn will lovingly donate hers. Okay off my soap box now! :)

Hasta besta!

Ski-on and touch tone phones

This pic is of Drew when she fell asleep in my arms, apparently she over-dosed on Pupperoni's. I ♥ my dog!

Today was my first day returning to work. It was really nice and mellow, I am glad to be back, it will take my mind off of FUCKING Cancer for once, well maybe.

Today at work, I overhear in the cube behind me, a girl saying I want one of those fucking Ski-on TC's those are hot, obviously she meant Scion TC, the new car by the sister company of Toyota. I just thought it was hilarious, it's kind of like that guy in the FedEx commerical that wants to send something to Phone-ex AZ instead of Phoneix. Or how like I keep thinking that sound by George Clinton and the Parliment Funkadelic is Lastnight, when it's actually FLASHLIGHT.

We went to clean my dad's house after I got off of work today, when I say me, I mean Patty, Hales, Dawn G and Dawn P and me. Debbie had a tragic event at her house where she was house bound-not to be confused with house arrest-as my father is very familiar. Apparently she couldn't leave.

In other news, Mini got a ticket today and has to inevitably get a new car because of this.

I dread chemo tomorrow, I am getting nauseated just thinking about it.

I want to see an Inconvenient Truth soon, I will probably hate the fact that I have a 23 room house once I do though :o(.

My niece Dawn asked us the other day if her verizon phone was a touch tone phone, apparently it was, she was able to complete her call, who knew?

In other news, DP and I were driving down the street one night, when the ho's on great mills rod were out, we pulled to the side to admire their art of call-girling, and this one chic picked up this guy, he took her back to his house, ironically he drove in the same direction to our house area, so we were behind him. Later that week, I saw her walking up and down the street, and thought, um, I know your secret! Honestly, who takes a ho to their house? You take a Ho to a HOTEL! Dah, I am a lesbian and I even know that!

Same Room and Location

Friday, I unofficially returned back to work. I met with my wonderful boss and discussed what nots and what ifs. I am glad to be going back to work, there, it's actually been said and it's in writing!

I am up because I am tired, but as usual can't get to sleep. Dad had his colon surgery yesterday, he looks better today than he did yesterday. It's odd, he was in the same room in the OR when he was waiting as I was, and the same room as I was too when I went up there. Odd how that works, huh?

I am sure I will have some hum-dingers tomorrow to tell. Until then I must try to get some sleep.

Hugs :)

♥ Trent ♥

These are all pics of Sparklepants, the one that is blurry is the one that I took with Dawn G's camera phone. I reallly like the one with him and Peter Murphy, who so looks like a Matrix character, on the other side of Trent there. The above shot, is a shot at the crowd that was published on NIN.com, I am sure I am in there somewhere near the right upper side, it's just a little too hard to tell!

Mind Racers

That's what happens to me this late at night, my mind does the what if's and should of, could of, would'ves, which sucks.

Tomorrow, aka today, I am supposed to start back to work. I am going to meet with my boss to discuss my options, etc., in the am, I want to return to work, but I am a little anxious of how people will respond to me being back, etc.

There is something up with blogger because I can't post my fucking pics, not even in html code, Rich-what's up with that?

I was thinking today about Cancer and how it's affected my life overall.
These are my declarations:

• Cancer has made me realize even more how precious life is, as if I needed a fucking reminder, c'mon my mom died of this shit, and my father has had it 5 times already.
• At first, I didn't want to see my 30th bday come, I feared the big 3-0, now I welcome it, and hopefully at least 5 more after it.
• I worry constantly about dying and leaving Dawn with debt.
• It's made me realize even more that genetics don't make up a family-it took me a while to get over the fact that I will be infertile from chemo, and not only that, this is an autosominal dominant gene, do I really want to play odds in passing it on? Fuck no, I am not giving it that much credit.
• It's brought out the risk-taker in me, this year I want to go on a hot air balloon ride, I want to go jet skiing-of course I have to wait until after chemo because it lowers my immunity and the water is very dirty, I want to go parachuting, I've always wanted to learn how to sail and possibly get my pilot's license for cessnas, I want to be a parent-and not just to my 71 year old father, or dog, or niece, I want to travel to NYC with Dawn, and to London finally.
• It's made me realize who my true friends really are and how people treat you differently.
• It's made me hate the fucking response when people say: "You could walk out here tomorrow and get hit by a bus, nothings guaranteed", that's true, but c'mon, that's an infinite statement, cancer is finite in my life, and is a life threatening disease, trust me perspectives change when that picture comes in!
• It's made me care even less about my hair, and more about my ovaries, it used to be vice versa.
• It's made me realize even more that when the dead are dead, they're dead. The living truly do keep living.

Well that's all I have time for tonight, I do have to get to Neverland eventually and it won't happen if I keep sitting here entertaining you guys with my random thoughts of spacely sprockets and calvinly cobbs. Goodnight!

Nine Inch Nails & Dr. Smith

Nine Inch Nails fucking kicked ass lastnight, the performance was awesome, I just wish it could have been longer. I ♥ Trent Reznor, even though I am queer, he is still my babies' daddy. The man is a musical genius. I took a few photos of Sparklepants with DG's phone and our disposal camera because they wouldn't allow personal portable cameras, WTF?, before my $7.50 beer kicked in (good thing for me it usually only takes 1-however, I ended up drinking Dawn G's and Dawn P's too :)) Good times. The beer made me inevitably sick, probably because I am doing that in combo with the recent chemo-rade that I had. Oh well, I didn't care, last night was my night.

This is my virtual letter to Trent Reznor:

Trent,
You're fucking hot. I ♥ you, even if you weren't in music, I'd still think you're hot. I will be an equal opportunity lover for you, please inquire within and pay upfront :).
Christy

I saw Dr. Smith yesterday, this was not the meaningful and important appointment, I had so hoped it would be. Here is my scenario, I was dx with colon ca because my polyp was bleeding and made me severely anemic, I lost tons of blood. Now, 3 months post op surgery and BEFORE starting surgery, I am losing blood again, I also have symptoms of rectal pressure when deficating, and when not, I have seen what appears to be bloodly tissue in my liquidified excretments, yet, he states, "You have the symptons of colon cancer, however, it's too soon for it to be back, a scope isn't necessary, we were just there". He told me to come at the end of June or August for a follow up scope and sooner if I had any problems, yet he wouldn't do one? How does that work? Secondly, regardless of what he states, I've read people with HNPCC have a tendency to have faster growing cancers than other people of the general population.

Maybe I am being paranoid, but I have a right to be G-D it!

In other news, DP discovered the blog I've been writing to her titled "Letters to Dawn", she was a little touched. My niece found it and said I wasn't going to die, I said sure I am someday. Then I asked the 8-ball if I was going to die this year, and it said, it is certainly so! There you have it. I should have consulted the 8-ball and skipped the fucking docs appt, what was I thinking? I apparently wasn't, huh?

A better Day

I had a better day today than I've had in a while. I got up and went to the docs, I feel like they should be me and my father on payroll, we both had appts today, typically, dad got hammered last night and didn't remember what time he was supposed to be there for his pre-op blood work (Sat surgery at WHC) and I had to call him to remind him. Both of our counts were fine this time around. I left there, with his surgery on my mind, and forgot to make another appointment for chemo, and I received a call from the nurse to make an appt for next week, not Monday, Tuesday instead. She wants me to see the doc first because of all the lovely side affects I am having, including bone pain now, I think that's from the aranesp(sp) shot, or so I've read, they've never informed me of these lovely side affects from that. The bone pain is pretty intense, especially since I wasn't expecting it, but I can deal with it, I don't want pain meds to have to take too on top of everything else I already forget to take. It rained today and I am sore too. I called Cigna and they are going to mail me my check, they say I can be on disability, LTD for 24 months, but I want to go back to work already. I don't know what I am going to do about chemo or my job status. What to do, what to do?

Tomorrow is the NIN concert. I am pretty excited. I hope I won't have any problems tomorrow that would prevent me from going, I will immodium-up, and although I was thinking about having my 1 beer for the year there, I don't think I will, as post-surgery Christy doesn't handle alcohol any better, if not less, than pre-surgery Christy.

I did come home today and Drew Elizabeth(yes my dog has a middle name-actually 5 of them-Elizabeth Jayzaiah Jenkins Padima Huberstein, then her last name, which is hypenated, is waiting for me at the door, so I had to take a picture. She cracks me up when she does this. Well I ♥ all you guys out there in the daily chemo grind and cancer fight.

P.S. If someone wants to inform me on how the hell I put links on this damn thing and flickr sites, I would be so grateful, :).

CaNcEr

I can't get the fucking shit out of my head. Today I am sore, sore like I've been whipped with belts in my calves, I feel like I've been standing on my tippy toes for 9 hours straight, even though I didn't need to. My hips and legs ache, I know it's a side affect from the chemo, I have strong legs usually, and even get on the treadmill from time to time, now this is another story.

Dawn is downstairs putting together the gym weight lifting he-man iron machine that we got what seems like 12 weeks ago, but is really 2 or 3. There is a stench in the air, a stench of Cancer, because, neither, she, nor I, can get it off our heads.

I know I am so lucky to be stage II, everyone keeps telling me, doctor wise that I have a 75% survival rate for the next 5 years, 75% is better than 74% but I would sure as hell like a 100% if you catch my drift.

This is not a good thing for someone like me, who analyzes everything, I mean every FUCKING thing, to have, they can tell me this and they can tell me that, but I am a little different from most, because mine is genetic. I have HNPCC, I go next week for genetic testing, as I had to reschedule the appt this week due to the chemo affect. This is my guestion that no one can answer, three oncologists and a top rated surgeon-What are my odds here? You're different they say, I had a total colectomy because I didn't want a chance of reoccurance, which could still happen, and is everly on my mind, if it comes back it could come back in the rectum 5-10% chance, however with HNPCC, I have to watch out for my endometrium, my ovaries, my bladder, my liver, my lungs and brain, I have a 60% chance of developing endometrium cancer, which means I should succumb to an elective hysterectomy. I am 29 that's all I have to say. WTF? I mean I know I am older than some people that get diagnosed, but I do not want to go into menopause, I don't want to be put on synthetic hormones that will increase my odds for other types of cancer. Then chemo-to do or not to do? With the side affects I say fuck no, but hell, what if, in three years it comes back? Or even a year? I could have done chemo, what if that would have helped? I would forever feel cheated, guilty, and like a pussy for not going through it all. It's 6 in one, half a dozen in the other. I fucking hate it.

Today my throat is sore too, I wonder if I picked up a bug at Pride yesterday, shit with the lowered immunity and all that chemo does provide as a side dish, I am sure I did, I tried to make sure I didn't touch the escalator rail when using Metro, to wash my hands and use papertowels to open the doors of the restrooms, etc.,

Why do I have to worry about job security, a life insurance policy, health insurance coverage, and infertility, menopause, chemo and cancer all at one time? Not to mention, my wonderful partner, Dawn, she is wonderful, however, she doesn't necessarily know what I am going through sometimes.

Shit, do I?

AM I jumping the gun? I feel like my mortality has taken a strike and I need to know when the time is up? Is this normal, are any of you out there feeling like that? Can someone please mute the thoughts in my head, they're getting on my nerves. This is my question to all of them, if this is genetic, how can I beat my genes? How will chemo help, if it indeed will-that one remains unsolved.

I am starting to become into the selfish phase of being a cancer patient-in questioning, why me, why now? What about all the crack whores who abuse their bodies? Why not them, then I realize, that one life isn't greater than another, I am not better than them, and vice versa, sure they might have better cell structure and not a genetic mutation like I do, but it doesn't mean they should die or suffer before I. Christ, I just don't know.

Pride Parade

I had to post these pics, we managed to go out today and have a little fun. I took some immodium so it slowed down the shitter, however, I think that going into the business of making personal ass-gaskets (my name for toilet seat covers) would be worth wild. I always get the restrooms where they're aren't any left and I am forced to use toilet paper to cover the seat, which ends up looking like a bad attempt at a penyata (sp). We did have a good time though, I even got teary-eyed a few times when I saw the lesbian parents with their kids and wondered if we'd ever have any-then I wondered if I would be around until next Pride too, Christ, what's worse? Someone crying at Pride, the happiest time of the year for gays and lesbians, or shitting without ass gaskets? So I had to turn off the pipes fast. Also, we just got the denial from Dawn's insurance company about fertility. Apparently, since she doesn't have a male partner, she has to have 12 medically supervised attempts paid out of pocket at trying to conceive, whereas, if she had a male partner, they would just need a letter stating she'd had unprotected sex for 12 months from her OBGYN, that's a fucking double standard if I haven't seen one. Okay, I'm off the soap box for now.

TGIF.....

I had never really looked forward to a Friday like this one before. It's the end of the week and I had my first round of chemo on Monday, so today, I almost feel like my old self again, aside from the following symptoms that have developed over the past four days:

chills
fever
nausea
nausea
nausea
diahrrea
nausea
tingling in the hands and feet
sensitivity to cold-as in when I drink my mouth feels like pins and needles
joint tenderness and pain-primarily in the knees and shoulder joints
nausea
fatigue
fatigue and
nausea.

Tomorrow is the pride parade, but I don't know if we will be going or not. We went to see the Omen tonight, the movie was okay, but it was nice to actually get out of the house for once and have some normacly if you will. My port is driving me nuts, as in when I lay, I can feel it in my chest. I've lost 6 more pounds, that of course due to the chemo, not that I am complaining, I am sure I could stand to lose a little more. I talked with Dawn, I don't know if I will go for the next round of chemo, but if I do, work is certainly going to be a challenge.

6 days until NIN

6 days until the Nine Inch Nails concert at Nissan Pavillion, chemo or no chemo, I am going to make it to that fucking concert.

Today I go to drop off my pump, I don't think I should have any problems with driving there, the nausea, due to the new meds, is at bay so far. Friday is when pride starts www.capitalpride.org and Dawn and I were going to get a hotel room in the city and stay there over night like we always do, but I don't know if we're still going to do that or not. The parade and street stuff that we like to see happens on Saturday and Sunday, but I don't know that I am up for club hopping.

The chemo is making my face redish at times as well as my chest where the port is being accessed, the down fall to this is that it doesn't eventually turn tan like a regular sunburn-I guess because it's not.

My sister called me lastnight to ask me the same damn routine questions she always ask me over and over again, and I told her the symptoms of my chemo and then she said they will get better with time right? I said no, it's usually a cumulative affect and gets worse each time. She really has no clue, but why should I expect them to? Afterall they are just family.

Leucovorin and Friends.........Chemo Day

Yesterday, June 5th, was my first chemo day and the first time my port was accessed too. My H&H was low today, the first time around when they found my cancer, it was low, and I was severely anemic, that's how they found my cancer because my polyp was bleeding, it was 6 and 22. Now, I am very very worried. They also did a CEA and it wasn't large last time either, but I don't know the results of those until later this week when I go to get my pump discharged. I hope all is well with me, I really want to live, I just want to be able to havea normal life to live when I do survive this.
I was nervous before they started chemo, I was also having to worry about my father, who was anemic when he was in the hospital the third week of May, but they did a CBC on him and it was fine, ironically, I wasn't expecting mine to be low, although, I have been experiencing shortness of breath. I am passing what appears to be blood tissue in my stool, I had Dawn call yesterday and make me an appt with Dr. Smith, since all of my time was ate up sitting there. I go next week. I would be very relieved if he would send me for another PetScan, I wish cancer would just fuck off!
I had a lot of time to kill, so I made a list of things that we're going to do this year, regardless of the money and job situation, I just home the chemo-side affects will stay at a minimum. So far, I am severely drained, nauseous, I have the tingling in my hands and feet sometimes, I have sensitivity to cold, when I drink something that is chilled, I feel like pins and needles in my mouth. I am also sensitive to hot water too for some reason, ornically not hot foods though. I get cold and hot, but I don't have the runs, I am the opposite, which kind of scares me because I don't want to worry about an obstruction now. I also am having headaches that turn into migraines with this too. Hopefully my body will heal well enough I will be okay for the weekend and what not.
That's enough, I am going to lay down.

Stress Test....and hopes for Neverland

I am for some reason an insomniac-I don't know if it was because I worked nights for five years in xray at the local hopsital or because my mom and I used to stay up late and watch movies when I was little, needless to say, I didn't inherit that get-up and go shiat from my father.

I finally dozed off lastnight somewhere between 5:58 am and 5:59 am and Dawn got up at 6:00 am. I then got up to use the loo, I set my cell alarm for 7:30 so I could get ready to pick up dad and get him to the doc. I go back to bed hoping to get some shut eye prior to getting up the cell rings at 7-it's Dad-reiterating to me the instructions I gave him lastnight, but he's evidently forgotten because he was plastered, I tell him what he needs and hit snooze 3 times.

I get up and we go, finally there and we're at the doc's we sit in the waiting room and HE starts. A rather obese employee comes out and greets us, she goes behind a desk, my father, who has to do a stress test, that involves walking on a treadmill, says, I think all of these people need a stress test because they're fat, I'm not. I just looked at him and told him to shut his cake hole.

Next episode-doctor's baby-a doc comes in with his two children, one a small infant in a car seat thingy and the other a male toddler, the boy stops, and smiles at me, and stares at me for like 2 minutes. He does this 3 individual times almost as if he sees something in me that no one else can see, or like how a dog looks at someone or stares at a wall-almost like a 6th sense, it was uncanny.

We finally leave, and my sister, the one that bitched at me about my port, wanted me to stop by because my father's bday was yesterday and she wants to give him the bday money, I do, she then says let me see your port, I show her, and want her to touch it, but she refuses, yet, it's okay and I shouldn't shit my pants about it. WHATEVER, not her body!

Fast Forward about 12 hours, it's 1:11 and I can't get to sleep, I don't feel well, I am still on my period and I am so glad it's the weekend, I think I will try to find slumper somewhere, Neverland here I come....hopefully Wendy will be looking for me.

Hairy Toast and Papertowel Pepsi?

Long story short, we go to IHOP to eat, and I find a freakin paper towel in my ice and a piece of hair on my toast! That's it, I lost my appetite!